Life – Page 25 – Rant and Roll

Open up and bare it all

Hi Chickadees!

There are so, SO many things of which I have to write, but while I get my thoughts (and pictures, and videos) in order, and oil up my oh-so rusty typing fingers, I am going to answer the ten funniest questions OF LIFE posed to me by the amazingly hilarious Great Unwashed.

Please go check out her blog. You will not regret this decision.

And now! My answers:

1. If you had to choose between Anna Karenina, War and Peace and Steve Martin’s acclaimed novella “Shopgirl” which book would be the best weapon in a bar fight?

First off, GREAT QUESTION.

My initial reaction was all, “UMMMM ANNA KARENINA YO.”

NEXT!

In terms of sheer weight (both literally, and literature-aly), The Jerk doesn’t have a thing on old Leo T. In fact, I am surprised he is even included here in the list. I would have expected something like – Anna Karenina, The Brothers Karamazov, and Les Miserables.

I only initially chose the adorable adventures of Kitty and Levin (and the insufferable angst of Anna and Vronsky) because it was first in the list. War and Peace would also pack one hell of a punch.

But I digress.

My decision in the end actually IS Shopgirl (and not just because I love the word “novella”), but because anyone who thought to start a bar fight with me, and then happened to espy that I was reading such dreck would probably realize that going rope-a-dope with me just wouldn’t be worth it.

My life would be much too sad already.

Side note: my husband really hates Steve Martin.

Like, a lot.

I don’t really care either way, but I do dig the fact that he plays the banjo.

2. What is the longest period you’ve ever gone without bathing? Please note, stays in Turkish prisons do not count.

DULY NOTED.

Okay, first things first –

I LOVE TAKING SHOWERS.

They are firmly ensconced in my Top Five Things to Do By Myself.

Plus I just generally hate feeling dirty. Nothing feels as good as a great scrubbing.

The longest I have ever gone without showering was two weeks in grade ten when I was a camp counsellor in training.

I took part in a teenage Outward Bound-type excursion, and being that we spent the entire time in the wild woods, we also went the entire time sans-showers.

I tell you, even though we had the opportunity to swim almost every day, I was practically dreaming about soap and shampoo by the end of the trip.

3. You’ve decided to take on three additional husbands and or wives, who are they? Both living and dead people may be included, although admittedly an attraction to the deceased is a little beyond me.

SUCH A HARD QUESTION.

But such a good question.

Okayokayokay.

For the purely physical: James Spader circa 1986.

Or Rafa Nadal circa all of his Armani ads.

SO HOT I JUST CAN’T EVEN.

For the purely intellectual: David Mitchell.

SO FUNNY AND SMART I JUST CAN’T EVEN.

For the whole package: Stephen Colbert.

*brain explosion*

4. What is your most unfortunate public transportation story?

I have drooled quite a bit on the metro in my day.

Also, once, while riding the last skytrain back home I watched a guy barf all over the floor.

That wasn’t very nice.

5. Go back in time, you’re attempting to sell your five year old sibling, what is your asking price?

ONE MILLION CHOCOLATE BARS.

6. In a bid to secure the Guinness World Record for “Longest and Highest Transport of Tom Cruise” you’ve decided to piggyback this superstar across the Andes. What phrase do you repeat to yourself during the tough parts of the trek to spur yourself onwards when Tom’s pointy hip bones are digging into your spine?

The following classic line from Top Gun:

“I WANT SOME BUTTS!”

(See below video.)

No joke, I use this line almost daily.

7. What do you consider to be a valid reason for a hunger strike?

I wrote a super long answer about torture and imprisonment without cause that was super, super grim (surprise, surprise!) so for the sake of brevity I’ll just say that weird pink chicken mcnugget sludge.

The thought of that stuff pretty much turns me off food for life.

8. Name three items you hide from your spouse or significant other or even better, yourself.

I don’t actually hide much, if anything at all, from Marc.

As many of you who read this blog might have guessed, I’m a pretty transparent person.

However, for years I denied that it was me who put the dent into our old VW Golf. I also only watch Drop Dead Diva when he’s either asleep or out of the house. One time I farted on the subway and convinced him that he was in fact the one who farted.

9. Where are the hiding places for these items? Wait! Don’t tell me, I’m a terrible secret keeper.

MY CONSCIENCE.

10. How do you feel about my interviewing skills? Will they make Oprah love me?

If the big O doesn’t love you, please take some level of comfort in the fact that I most definitely do.

…

So there you have it!

What about you dudes? What are some of your answers to the fab-tastic queries?

Please do share.

Because let’s be honest here, they are just too good not to.

A taste of Greece

First off, “A Taste of Greece” is an actual store that exists at the Athens airport, and I have been laughing at this fact for the past five years straight.

HOW COULD YOU NAME YOUR STORE THAT!?

Anyways, five years ago Marc and I were on our honeymoon, gallivanting about Athens and then all around the island of Crete – exploring ruins, drinking wine, eating olives, and sweating all the sweat that there was to be sweated.

It was incredible and we had one heck of a time.

Here are three of my favourite snaps from our adventures:

O, my heart.

The sights and sounds of summer

A little funny stuff.

IMG_20130708_161054 — Buying rugs at Ikea. NOT THIS ONE.

A little nature stuff.

A little art stuff.

Winnie the Pooh and Friends painted in a NY subway.

A little food stuff.

Sometimes I think the ice cream is but a conduit for the ever-important sprinkle.

A little cloud stuff.

A little love stuff.

…

We’re off adventuring in Oregon, soaking up all the sun and Shakespeare we can handle.

I will be back to being a normal bloggess before long, but in the meantime, I hope you enjoy this week’s theme:

PHOTOS OF MY BONKERS LIFE.

Also, I had an absolute hoot last night hosting The Storytelling Show, and if you would like to listen in, the archived episode can be found here.

(Just be sure to scroll all the way to the end of the page.)

Big love to all you fab cats, and all of those whom you hold dear.

I adore every single one of you!

Such leafy goodness

This past week I have been spending as much time outside as humanly possible.

With limited days left until I start my new job, I am trying to use my remaining vacation to the most of its potential.

(And goodness knows there is quite a bit of that!)

I’ve gotten so much sun over the past two weeks that a friend asked me today if I’d gone tanning.

TANNING!

Good grief.

On Tuesday, we went hiking up at Buntzen Lake this past Wednesday and it was glorious.

Here are some snaps:

Last night I did my first comedy gig in over a month, and tonight I’m performing at another Vancouver venue.

Video to come soon, my preciouses!

Happy Friday to you all.

The naked truth

So here’s a thing.

Up until two days ago, I wore foundation or concealer (or some combination of both products) every single day (give or take a glitch or two in the algorithm that is my life) for the past fourteen years.

FOURTEEN YEARS.

That is over 5000 days of wearing makeup; makeup that covers up and paints over my natural skin tone, my freckles, my pimples – everything that makes my face, my face.

I wore this makeup on runs, to the beach, to work, to work out, to school dances, to graduations, to family dinners, to the grocery store, to job interviews – I wore it everywhere.

And two days ago, I stopped.

I thought – enough is enough.

I am twenty-eight years old.

It’s time.

This is very representative of how I operate in life. I won’t do something until I have completely made up my mind.

However, once the decision has been made, I will never renege, and I will never look back.

I first started wearing “pressed powder” when I was thirteen years old. I had just started grade eight, and I was very self-conscious of the patch of acne that had sprouted atop on my forehead over the past year.

I wanted to make a good impression, so what better way to do this that spackle six dollar Cover Girl all over my skin?

(The answer: be really, really funny.)

Grade nine brought even worse skin, so I graduated from just the powder, to bottle foundation (that I supplemented with the powder.)

Looking back at photos of myself from that time, I can only laugh. I wore so much of this product that I looked practically a ghost – pale as anything, with super dark red lips, and thick black eyeliner.

I was pretty much a dead ringer for one of the Twilight kids, only ten years too early.

Over the years, my use of foundations and concealers has waxed and waned.

I wrote previously on how this tied directly to my eating disorders – in times of health I used less because my skin was much clearer, and in times of sickness I used much more.

But even at my happiest I always used it.

Everyday.

But two days ago I was out at the park, running myself ragged, doing my favourite combination of sprints, push-ups, pull-ups, squats (and all their ilk) and I just felt so incredibly strong- so alive and powerful.

So confident.

So much so that when I arrived home and showered, I stood in the bathroom and just stared at myself for a long, long time.

For many years, I would do this same thing, but in a highly critical sense. I would scrutinize everything about my body – my skin, my hair, my teeth.

I would pick myself apart, and leave the pieces scattered, broken on the floor.

But this time, however, I marvelled.

At the strength of my muscles, and the glow of my skin; the length of my hair, and pulse of my heartbeat.

And I thought – I will face the world as I am.

Which is not to say that I won’t wear any other makeup ever again.

I love playing dress up too much for that.

But I won’t wear any more skin cover up products.

I’ve got a strong enough foundation as it is.

IMG_20130710_105752 — Today. Post-run. Strong.