Well, it seems as though the Christmas season has officially arrived here on the West Coast of Canada.
Which means, it’s only a matter of time before I watch my three favourite holiday movies:
Muppets Christmas Carol
It’s actually the third film on this list that was the impetus for me writing this post.
I was thinking about when would be an appropriate time to sit down for our yearly viewing of this masterpiece, before asking myself (for maybe the millionth time) – DID ALAN RICKMAN REALLY CHEAT ON EMMA THOMPSON?
This questions has been plaguing me for the past ten years.
Common consensus would say, yes, Harry and Mia did in fact engage in coitus (hence why we see her putting the necklace on in her undies, with an unmade bed in the background – I HAVE SEEN THIS MOVIE MANY TIMES) but I have such a hard time accepting this reality.
But most likely this is because of my all-consuming, and always growing love for Ms. Thompson.
Anyway, even though to me, this movie is perfect (to paraphrase Rick Grimes and all), here are a few other problems that always arise upon every viewing.
*holds up sign of mummified human being*
1. I don’t believe that Colin Firth’s (Jamie’s) wife would cheat on him with his brother. I mean, THAT GUY? Really? HIM? Could they not have cast some crazy, smoking hot dude (a real Carl if you will!) to play this part?
And why is everyone so disappointed that Uncle Jamie isn’t staying with the family for Christmas? HIS BROTHER WAS SEXING HIS WIFE BEHIND HIS BACK! The fact that his entire brood of blood relatives is willing to excuse that horrible behaviour, but is insanely upset that Jamie won’t carve the bloody turkey is WAY COLD. And I’m not buying it!
Although “I HATE Uncle Jamie!” has become one of Marc’s and my most favourite sayings to date, so – not all bad I suppose.
2. “Miss Dunkin’ Donuts 2003.”
COME ON RICHARD CURTIS. We all know Aurelia’s Portuguese Dad isn’t using that as his insult of choice when he’s fat-shaming his other daughter.
What the hell man? IF you’re going to go for the cheap weight-related joke, at the very least use your imagination and don’t just go for the lazy laugh!
3. That photo of Harry (Alan Rickman) and Bernard (his son), framed on Karen (Emma Thompson’s) dresser cracks me up every time I see it. Bernard just looks completely nuts, and is making the most bonkers face of life.
I can never NOT see it now.
4. What is UP with the Prime Minister’s Press Secretary (Is that her title?) who likes to make fun of Natalie? Is she in love with the Prime Minister? Why the hell would she make such a crappy comment about the size of Natalie’s bum? I mean, isn’t that crazy unprofessional? I DON’T GET IT.
5. Daniel (Liam Neeson) and his step-son get over his wife’s death way too quickly. Also, no one learns to play the drums in a week. TAKE THAT YA WEE MONGREL!
6. Do we really think that backpack is chock-a-block filled with condoms?
7. What is UP with girls from Wisconsin? Is Christmas Eve and Budweiser some kind of lethal sex combination for these young ladies OR WHAT?
8. Look man, I think Kiera Knightley is as lovely as the next gal, but what the heck is up with that wedding dress? Midriff baring? In the middle of winter? And is she wearing feathers in her hair? I mean, look how effortlessly amazing Peter (Chiwetel Ejiofor) is in his suit. Could we not have at least tried to match this?
9. Also, am I the only one who thought that Mark (Peter’s best friend) was in love with Peter? I still kind of wish that this was, in fact, the case. And that he really did hate Juliet, because she had taken away not only his best friend, but the love of his life.
10. LAURA LINNEY. What are you doing friend!? TAKE CARL AND RAVISH HIM. We all die, over and over again, every time we watch you waste such a magical chance to bed Carl the enigmatic chief designer-cum-underwear model!
So there you have it dudes. My (small!) beefs with one of the best holiday movies of all time.
Do you agree?
Let me know.
But in the meantime, I’ll let Joanna have the last word:
All I want for Christmas is YOU.
There are so, SO many things of which I have to write, but while I get my thoughts (and pictures, and videos) in order, and oil up my oh-so rusty typing fingers, I am going to answer the ten funniest questions OF LIFE posed to me by the amazingly hilarious Great Unwashed.
Please go check out her blog. You will not regret this decision.
And now! My answers:
1. If you had to choose between Anna Karenina, War and Peace and Steve Martin’s acclaimed novella “Shopgirl” which book would be the best weapon in a bar fight?
First off, GREAT QUESTION.
My initial reaction was all, “UMMMM ANNA KARENINA YO.”
In terms of sheer weight (both literally, and literature-aly), The Jerk doesn’t have a thing on old Leo T. In fact, I am surprised he is even included here in the list. I would have expected something like – Anna Karenina, The Brothers Karamazov, and Les Miserables.
I only initially chose the adorable adventures of Kitty and Levin (and the insufferable angst of Anna and Vronsky) because it was first in the list. War and Peace would also pack one hell of a punch.
But I digress.
My decision in the end actually IS Shopgirl (and not just because I love the word “novella”), but because anyone who thought to start a bar fight with me, and then happened to espy that I was reading such dreck would probably realize that going rope-a-dope with me just wouldn’t be worth it.
My life would be much too sad already.
Side note: my husband really hates Steve Martin.
Like, a lot.
I don’t really care either way, but I do dig the fact that he plays the banjo.
2. What is the longest period you’ve ever gone without bathing? Please note, stays in Turkish prisons do not count.
Okay, first things first –
I LOVE TAKING SHOWERS.
They are firmly ensconced in my Top Five Things to Do By Myself.
Plus I just generally hate feeling dirty. Nothing feels as good as a great scrubbing.
The longest I have ever gone without showering was two weeks in grade ten when I was a camp counsellor in training.
I took part in a teenage Outward Bound-type excursion, and being that we spent the entire time in the wild woods, we also went the entire time sans-showers.
I tell you, even though we had the opportunity to swim almost every day, I was practically dreaming about soap and shampoo by the end of the trip.
3. You’ve decided to take on three additional husbands and or wives, who are they? Both living and dead people may be included, although admittedly an attraction to the deceased is a little beyond me.
SUCH A HARD QUESTION.
But such a good question.
For the purely physical: James Spader circa 1986.
Or Rafa Nadal circa all of his Armani ads.
SO HOT I JUST CAN’T EVEN.
For the purely intellectual: David Mitchell.
SO FUNNY AND SMART I JUST CAN’T EVEN.
For the whole package: Stephen Colbert.
4. What is your most unfortunate public transportation story?
I have drooled quite a bit on the metro in my day.
Also, once, while riding the last skytrain back home I watched a guy barf all over the floor.
That wasn’t very nice.
5. Go back in time, you’re attempting to sell your five year old sibling, what is your asking price?
ONE MILLION CHOCOLATE BARS.
6. In a bid to secure the Guinness World Record for “Longest and Highest Transport of Tom Cruise” you’ve decided to piggyback this superstar across the Andes. What phrase do you repeat to yourself during the tough parts of the trek to spur yourself onwards when Tom’s pointy hip bones are digging into your spine?
The following classic line from Top Gun:
“I WANT SOME BUTTS!”
(See below video.)
No joke, I use this line almost daily.
7. What do you consider to be a valid reason for a hunger strike?
I wrote a super long answer about torture and imprisonment without cause that was super, super grim (surprise, surprise!) so for the sake of brevity I’ll just say that weird pink chicken mcnugget sludge.
The thought of that stuff pretty much turns me off food for life.
8. Name three items you hide from your spouse or significant other or even better, yourself.
I don’t actually hide much, if anything at all, from Marc.
As many of you who read this blog might have guessed, I’m a pretty transparent person.
However, for years I denied that it was me who put the dent into our old VW Golf. I also only watch Drop Dead Diva when he’s either asleep or out of the house. One time I farted on the subway and convinced him that he was in fact the one who farted.
9. Where are the hiding places for these items? Wait! Don’t tell me, I’m a terrible secret keeper.
10. How do you feel about my interviewing skills? Will they make Oprah love me?
If the big O doesn’t love you, please take some level of comfort in the fact that I most definitely do.
So there you have it!
What about you dudes? What are some of your answers to the fab-tastic queries?
Please do share.
Because let’s be honest here, they are just too good not to.
The story of my life.
My darlings, I am so sorry that I haven’t been writing much of late. All I can do is blame LIFE, because, alas, sometimes LIFE takes over. But please believe me when I say I will be back to business (or is black? to the future?!) in no time flat.
And so many things happened today!
Bob Rae is leaving Canadian politics after a 35-year run. James Gandolfini has sadly passed away at the much too early age of fifty-one. Parliament has wrapped up for the summer, as has the Charbonneau Commission (a public inquiry into potential corruption in the management of public construction contracts in Quebec. Montreal’s current mayor was arrested yesterday in possible connection to these proceedings.) Jurrasic Park 4 may finally (FINALLY!) be happening, and in a few short hours we just might have new NBA champions.
Thing be a brewin’ round these here parts…
Oh yes indeed.