To whom it may concern – Page 38

Shine bright like a diamond

Hey you beauty cats.

Holy smokes, today I am le tired.

Last night was stand-up comedy fest 2012 – aka my first time at the microphone in front of buckets and buckets of people – at it was AH-MAZE-ING.

Seriously, it one of the most brilliant nights of my life.

I ended up being the de facto headliner of the evening (as I was the last comic to perform) and I kind of want to say that I killed.

The audience laughed at all the right places (and at some bits that I never really considered all that funny), and even better, they laughed loudly.

I also had a number of other comics approach me after my set and ask me if I had ever done stand-up before (some actually thought I was a performer that my teacher had booked to close off the night).

So fair warning, I’m about two steps away from quitting my life and becoming a professional runner/stand-up comedian (although I should probably remain an amateur because that way I can compete in the stand-up comedy/running Olympics.)

Phew.

Fry-up time!

Shine on you crazy diamond.

So if you’ve been paying attention to any of this year’s holiday fashion trends you would know that sparkles are currently all the rage.

And as such, I feel like a crazed attention deficient hummingbird every time I enter a clothing store.

Everything is shimmering and glittering, and I want to try on each disco-ball inspired piece.

Just yesterday I was at Joe Fresh in hopes of procuring a sparkly skirt (one that I could wear to the myriad of Christmas parties and get togethers I have coming down the pipe over the next month) and I was near blinded by an absolute deluge of sparkle.

Talk about sensory overload.

I did end up purchasing a lovely little number (I am kicking myself for not snapping a photo, but will be sure to take one this weekend) that is absolutely perfect, with just the right amount of glitz and glam.

In the mean time, check out these nails:

Oh baby.

Next!

I’d stop the world and melt with you.

I don’t always cheese on toast.

But when I do, I cheese on toast with two kinds of cheese.

Sharp cheddar. Parmesan.

Oh baby.

Out of a canon.

I spent the summer after my second year of undergrad in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

It’s an absolutely brilliant city and I urge you all to go should you ever get the chance.

One of my jobs was working the front door at a fab little bar/restaurant down at the waterfront, on the nights they had bands or performers playing.

The nub and gist of my position was the more people I could convince to stay and pay cover, the more money I would take home at the end of the night.

Now when I say I loved my job, I am not lying. Above and beyond the fact that I made a crap ton of money (due to my oustanding powers of coercion), I got to listen to amazing music pretty much every night that I worked.

In particular, there was always one musician who – week in and week out – continually knocked my socks off.

Ladies and gents, may I present to you –

Matt Andersen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unh4gbcanoI

Most of his stuff is much bluesier, but I cannot tell a lie, I’m digging this foray into the country tunes.

It gets me fired up.

Oh baby.

…

So there you have it you crazy loons.

I will post the link to my stand-up set on Youtube as soon as it is uploaded.

In the mean time, enjoy your weekends, eat some cheese and toast, and be your brilliant, beautiful, bonkers selves.

Because goodness knows, you’re what makes the world go round.

These are not the droids you are looking for

Hey chickadees.

Another Friday, another Fry-Up.

The weeks have just been zooming by, and I find it practically impossible to wrap my head around the fact that we are but one sleep away from the first day of Christmas (or the beginning of December, if you will).

Wouldn’t it be lovely to wake up tomorrow to a partridge in a pear tree?

Five golden rings wouldn’t be so bad either.

This week I had my last talk with the United Way Speakers Bureau Series. I spoke at fifteen events over the last month and a half, and overall it was a tremendous experience to present for such a varied group of businesses and organizations.

I truly hope I get to do it again next year.

Meanwhile, we are but six days away (SIX!!!) from stand-up comedy fest 2012. Next Thursday is liftoff (laughter wise) and I am SO EXCITED.

ZOMG.

Dudes.

I’ve been practicing my material like a practicing thing, and in the most random of places too – in the shower, whilst out running, on skytrain – people must think I’m bloody bonkers.

(More so than usual, and that’s definitely saying something.)

My teacher told me that she’s never before met a young lady who talks as much about murder in her set as I do.

Murder and noses and yogurt. (Oh my!)

At least I’m original, right?

Now let’s get cracking.

First on the docket:

A hairy situation.

So remember when I was all: I’M NEVER GOING TO DYE MY HAIR MYSELF EVER AGAIN BECAUSE I ALWAYS END UP LOOKING LIKE I HAVE VITILIGO BLAH BLAH BLAH?

Weeeeell.

It would seem as though someone can never leave well enough alone (or learn her damn lesson.)

You see, recently I noticed that my roots were starting to grow in (grow out?), and I decided that instead of paying someone to touch up what was definitely less than an inch of new hair growth, it would be much easier to just purchase some dye-in-a-box and do it myself.

I went to Shoppers and purchased “Midnight Sky” thinking it would be a great match for my now mostly raven locks.

It’s too bad no one told me that after getting your tresses dyed professionally, your hair can undergo some pretty whacky chemical changes. (Ie. don’t use the box stuff because it won’t change your hair to the colour that you think it will.)

SO NOW I HAVE THESE ROOTS:

Good grief.

I can’t win.

So I’m out coach.

For real this time.

Laugh it up fuzzball.

Look at this computer repair shop!

It’s called Jawa Computers!

This makes me happier than you can ever know.

Santa Baby.

I told Marc that I was going to buy one of these outfits as one of his Christmas presents:

And then I laughed and laughed.

(I’m definitely still laughing.)

My apologies to all the La Senza Christmas-ware aficionados out there, but for me, these getups are just so ridiculous that I have a hard time understanding how they actually exist in real life.

I mean, come on – in what world is this sexy (and not just amazingly hilarious?)

And don’t get me wrong, if laughter really IS the thing that totally lights your fire, than undoubtedly this sexy Santa (sexy Mrs. Claus?) lingerie is a perfect ensemble for you and yours to enjoy.

But for me, if I somehow came into ownership of such a costume, I would just constantly pretend I was in a Billy Mack music video, while walking around making ludicrous and exceptionally tacky puns about quasi-phallic holiday items.

Your candy cane is so big! Come fill up my stocking… (etc. etc.)

And I would laugh and laugh.

…

What about you folks?

What’s going down in your neck of the woods these days?

I want to hear all about it. Happy Friday to you all!

Hey, who’s gonna sit by you?

So like ten gagillion other individuals out there, I take public transit to and from work every day.

I may sometimes begrudge this fact (say, on an extraordinarily rainy morning, or anytime some tactless fool lets out an absolute whopper of a fart), but for the most part, I am a-okay with my status as slave to the skytrain gods.

I like to sum it up thusly: I love riding the metro ninety-eight per cent of the time. The other two per cent I’m all THE SKYTRAIN IS BROKE I BLOODY-WELL HATE THIS NONSENSE AND ALL YOU BUMS DULLARDS AND HACKS WHO TAKE MY SEATS AND TALK TOO LOUDLY ON YOUR MOBILE PHONES CAN GET THE HECK OUT.

Ahem.

So, in this vein, (and as a somewhat sequel – or is it prequel? Ridley Scott Promethequel?) to my “Things I think about when I run”), may I present to you – dear readers:

Things I think about when I ride Skytrain.

Pleeeeeeaaaaase let me get a seat.

[Doors open.]

Must…mask…desperation…with…long…strides…and…steely…determination…

SUCCESS!!! Muahahahaha. I AM SITTING! Which means I am soon to be READING!

I get so much reading done on skytrain. I should just ride skytrain all day long.

Reeeeeaaaaaad. Readreadreadreadreadreadreadreadreadreadread.

Shit, we’re here all ready?

Nope. Keep reading.

[Stops.]

[Thinks.]

Ewan MacGregor is SO hot.

What am I going to eat for lunch today?

I should really start eating breakfast.

I like that guy’s suit.

Oh no! Who is listening to Last Christmas? It’ll be in my head for years!! ESCAPE!!!

I probably won’t ever stop pronouncing escape “ess-cap-eh”.

P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

I should re-watch that film. It’s so good.

But seriously though, Last Christmas has got to be an organ donor’s absolute worst nightmare.

Ack. I almost drooled.

I’m only twenty-seven and I drool A LOT. Is this like a thing? Should I get myself checked out? How would one test for drool?

Look at that sunrise. It’s like the most beautiful bruise in the world.

I would know. I get so many bruises I’m like a lava-lamp in human form.

Too weird.

Even for you Ethel.

Eh. Whatevs.

I want to go for a run.

I want to bake mint chocolate chip brownies.

I want to eat mint chocolate chip brownies.

I want that two hundred and fifty dollar Club Monaco dress.

I want to make out with Ewan MacGregor.

I want to watch Daniel Craig make out with Javier Bardem.

You can’t always get what you want Ethel.

But if you try sometime, you just might find – you get what you need.

OH YEAH.

Man, that is such a good song.

Hmmmm. That teenager has been making eyes at me for the last twenty minutes. Better get ready to let him down easy.

Also, the guy sitting next to me has his legs spread so wide you would think his crotch is on fire. I mean, could he take up any more of my space?

[Sniffing.]

Hello cologne!

(We’re not talking the city in Germany here folks…)

Yup.

I am definitely the funniest person in the world.

READ.

Rooting around in my bag of tricks

Happy Friday friends!

You know it’s going to be a good day when you wake up to this kind of magic.

Tonight M and I are going round two with our local movie theatre in an effort to finally see Skyfall. We went last week, but the film was already sold out.

My excitement is palpable (and growing!)

I keep hearing about this electric scene between Javier Bardem and Daniel Craig that makes my tummy feel all a-flutter.

Ahem.

In the mean time, Nymeria is cute-ing up the joint like nobody’s business. Last night she snuggled up next to my legs and slept on my feet, purring up a storm.

I managed to catch her with one of her mice friends:

This also gives my stomach butterflies (for monstrously different reasons, of course.)

In the meantime, fry-up time!

An apple a day.

Arriving home last night the only thing I wanted to do was make something that tasted of autumn deliciousness.

So I baked an apple-blueberry crisp.

I have a few recipes committed to memory, and this one is so easy-peasy that I feel as though I could put it together with my eyes closed.

(What with how zonked I have been for the past couple of days – or, ahem, weeks – this a boon and a half.)

First, start with your ingredients:

Then, don’t take any other photos of putting the crisp together, save this one:

Eat the remainder of your triscuits. While the crisp is in the oven, go see your Little Sister, help her with her math homework, and make plans to take her to the Vancouver Christmas Market in December.

Upon your return home thank your husband for taking the dessert out of the oven. Then turn on the fire, curl up on the couch with your love, and dig in.

Also, a little vanilla ice cream never hurt anyone (or a crisp for that matter.)

Dee-lish.

Prairie Royalty.

Being the good Canadian girl that I am, I pride myself on being a fan of the Tragically Hip.

Gord Downie and his posse make some darn fine music, and as such I was shocked to hear a song of theirs just the other day on CBC that I had never before heard.

Wheat Kings is a beautiful, haunting song.

I am currently doing the thing I always do when I crown a new favourite tune – listening to it over and over again until I cannot stomach hearing it again for at the very least the foreseeable future.

As of today, I am still very much in love with it and I implore you to take a moment and let this magic into your lives:

Werner Herzog.

I’ve written before about Herzog and his films, and the other night M and I watched Happy People: A Year in the Taiga.

This. Guy.

What a film maker.

I cannot say much besides I have no idea how this man has never before won an academy award.

He is a absolute master.

(Also, I really wish he narrated my dreams.)

Happy People is a documentary that looks at the life of the indigenous people of the village Bakhtia at the river Yenisei in the Siberian Taiga.

It is beautiful and smart and touching and inspiring. And it will really make you want to get a husky.

Watch this movie. Please.

…

So that’s all she wrote you crazy cats.

Joyeux fin de semaine to you all!

Getting into the spirit of things

The days are growing shorter, the nights colder, and sometime over the past week, the holiday season seems to have landed here in our fair city.

Arriving at work just the other day I was greeted by boughs and garlands hanging from every (street) corner; New Westminster skytrain station is bedazzled and bedecked with lights of all shapes and sizes; and no matter what coffee shop I patronize, I’m sure to find red cups, and holiday flavoured drinks and snacks.A word to the wise dear readers – avoid anything “marshmallow”. I ordered one of these drinks last week (a toasted marshmallow latte to be specific), and while it was a valiant effort on the part on my barista, espresso and synthetic Jetpuff syrup is not a combination meant for this world.

Goodness knows.

And as we creep ever closer to December, and all the festivities that automatically come with our twelfth month, you might be asking yourself what kind of gifts you will be purchasing for all your friends and family.

CIMG7859 — This is me heralding the holidays into town. It’s a special tradition.

This can be a delicate dance for some. I know for me, this is one of my most favourite parts of the holidays. I get a thrum in my tummy just thinking about the chance I’ll have to find something beautiful and fitting for all the wonderful people in my life.

I want to make sure that whatever it is I end up purchasing is beautiful and interesting and original – something the person may not have previously thought about, or knew even existed.

I love December, and all the razzle-dazzle of the month, because of the time I get to spend with family (this year M and I are flying down east to spend Christmas with my mother and sisters), the outings and parties with good friends, and the quiet time (if only an hour or two!) I get to spend with my husband.

As we creep ever closer to candy canes, tree trimmings, snowmen, and Christmas carols, I am gearing myself up to watch my three favourite holiday movies OF. ALL. TIME.

Now, whilst I understand that there are a number of fab films out there that do well to sum up the holiday spirit, in my humble opinion these three movies will never be beat:

1. Muppets Christmas Carol.

I LOVE this flick.

Michael Caine as Scrooge! Gonzo as Charles Dickens! Rizzo as his ever-hungry side-kick! Ice skating penguins! Singing cabbages! Cheese-less peasant mice!

Meep.

Normally I’m not even that big a fan of singing in movies, but heck, that rule is thrown out the window with gusto when it comes to Jim Henson and his gang.

How can you not dig that tune?

(Seriously, if you don’t, you will be visited by three ghosts tonight. Get ready for one heck of a ride when the bell strikes one.)

2. Home Alone

Now, this may have quite a lot to do with the fact that I have the sense of humour of a eleven year old boy, but this movie never, ever, fails to crack me up.

Watching Marv and Harry get the absolute crap kicked out of them makes me laugh so hard I cry.

(So I might be a bit of a sadist as well.)

For the past fifteen years I haven’t been able to eat cheese pizza without saying: “A whole cheese pizza just for me!” or thinking that eating two tictacs will ruin my dinner.

Plus: Catherine O’Hara. My comedy goddess and make-believe mum.

3. Love Actually

LOVE IS ACTUALLY ALL AROUND WHEN YOU WATCH THIS MOVIE.

This is M’s an my “official” Christmas movie, and we watch it every year sometime in the lead up to the 25th. We love it. We quote it year-round.

A golden oldie for a golden oldie! Just in cases! WISCONSIN BABES! Dip it in yogurt and cover it in chocolate buttons! Sexy Carl! Hurry up big boy! Arbore…montagno…bello…bella…Frankie Valley…oh shut up…!

I always say that if I were to go back and do more graduate work, I would do it in film studies and I would write my thesis on how this movie is evidence of a perfectly scored film.

Every song works so well in every scene, it’s a bit mind boggling. Nora Jones to dance to! Dido when she find out you’re in love with her! All you need is love at your wedding! Joni Mitchell in the face of infidelity!

SO. BRILLIANT.

So excited! Now I cannot wait even more.

What about you folks? What movies do you like to watch this time of year?

You supply the titles, while I make the popcorn.

This is going to be good.