To whom it may concern

Hey, who’s gonna sit by you?

So like ten gagillion other individuals out there, I take public transit to and from work every day.

I may sometimes begrudge this fact (say, on an extraordinarily rainy morning, or anytime some tactless fool lets out an absolute whopper of a fart), but for the most part, I am a-okay with my status as slave to the skytrain gods.

I like to sum it up thusly: I love riding the metro ninety-eight per cent of the time. The other two per cent I’m all THE SKYTRAIN IS BROKE I BLOODY-WELL HATE THIS NONSENSE AND ALL YOU BUMS DULLARDS AND HACKS WHO TAKE MY SEATS AND TALK TOO LOUDLY ON YOUR MOBILE PHONES CAN GET THE HECK OUT.

Ahem.

So, in this vein, (and as a somewhat sequel – or is it prequel? Ridley Scott Promethequel?) to my “Things I think about when I run”), may I present to you – dear readers:

Things I think about when I ride Skytrain.

Pleeeeeeaaaaase let me get a seat.

[Doors open.]

Must…mask…desperation…with…long…strides…and…steely…determination…

SUCCESS!!! Muahahahaha. I AM SITTING! Which means I am soon to be READING!

I get so much reading done on skytrain. I should just ride skytrain all day long.

Reeeeeaaaaaad. Readreadreadreadreadreadreadreadreadreadread.

Shit, we’re here all ready?

Nope. Keep reading.

[Stops.]

[Thinks.]

Ewan MacGregor is SO hot.

What am I going to eat for lunch today?

I should really start eating breakfast.

I like that guy’s suit.

Oh no! Who is listening to Last Christmas? It’ll be in my head for years!! ESCAPE!!!

I probably won’t ever stop pronouncing escape “ess-cap-eh”.

P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

I should re-watch that film. It’s so good.

But seriously though, Last Christmas has got to be an organ donor’s absolute worst nightmare.

Ack. I almost drooled.

I’m only twenty-seven and I drool A LOT. Is this like a thing? Should I get myself checked out? How would one test for drool?

Look at that sunrise. It’s like the most beautiful bruise in the world.

I would know. I get so many bruises I’m like a lava-lamp in human form.

Too weird.

Even for you Ethel.

Eh. Whatevs.

I want to go for a run.

I want to bake mint chocolate chip brownies.

I want to eat mint chocolate chip brownies.

I want that two hundred and fifty dollar Club Monaco dress.

I want to make out with Ewan MacGregor.

I want to watch Daniel Craig make out with Javier Bardem.

You can’t always get what you want Ethel.

But if you try sometime, you just might find – you get what you need.

OH YEAH.

Man, that is such a good song.

Hmmmm. That teenager has been making eyes at me for the last twenty minutes. Better get ready to let him down easy.

Also, the guy sitting next to me has his legs spread so wide you would think his crotch is on fire. I mean, could he take up any more of my space?

[Sniffing.]

Hello cologne!

(We’re not talking the city in Germany here folks…)

Yup.

I am definitely the funniest person in the world.

READ.

9 thoughts on “Hey, who’s gonna sit by you?

  1. Public transportation sure can be interesting! I love how your mind wanders. (I have the same problem— I also sometimes “think” in song lyrics, LOL!)

  2. I think this is my favorite!! Hysterical – I was in stitches and can just picture your face as your think through it all.
    People who take up more than their fair share of space always bug me. Fire-crotch guy can go away!
    And yes, Skytrain has got to be the best for reading and sunrises. Love it!
    :D

    1. One day I’m going to put out that fire…hahaha, I don’t know what that means, but it sounds much more threatening than I originally meant! Eep!

      Glad I could bring the lols. How are you doing these days you beauty? Has the jetlag disappeared yet? Hope you and Mr. J have a fab fab night!
      xx

  3. I’m one of the ten gagillion public transients myself, and I just need to say:

    1) you’ve described it perfectly — 98% mundane, 2% barely keeping a lid on your own transit rage,

    2) funniest description of a sunrise ever typed, and

    3) damn you for putting Last Christmas in my head. Ugh.

    1. Urg, I am so, SO sorry. I am truly the worst and apologize.

      I’m glad that I have someone who understands my pain (and just how mundane it can be) riding metro. And for the strange bruise commentary :)

  4. hoHum. i spoze yer deeeskry bing the few times a year i’mawnanairplaying.
    (like i think you ‘n every 1 else, sometimes surprizing coincidences).

    but… my transit is the 60-mile solo drive to the office. i try to do the “glue between things” thing. pull the plugs and cords and connexions to the infurnull diatribe. (pretend i diddunt mentschun arjunaw&kirrrrrischnaw)

    1. I would imagine you could have some pretty awesome conversations with yourself during the drive. I would also listen to soooo much loud pop music – the stuff I have to listen to when I am by myself!

      1. axually, i don’t so much lissen as praktiss de armawneeka (maybe 1/3 of the way) deriving to werk, and lissen to an half-hour espanglisch lessun goin’ hoam

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