Humor – Page 8 – Rant and Roll

On the road, again

1. Fly from Halifax to Philadelphia. For 2.5 hours read Tempest Tost by Roberston Davies and laugh like a drain.

2. Wait in PHL for 45 min for your connecting flight to Seattle. Scarf down a salad with tuna but no dressing. Lament this dearth of dressing. Wait in line for 10 minutes to purchase peanut M&Ms and yogurt covered blueberries, but abandon both when you hear your flight’s boarding has started.

3. Fly from Philly to Seattle. Sleep restlessly for most of the six hour flight. Eat a massive cinnamon bun, a bag of Chex Mix, and a very limited 100 calorie Pepperidge Farm cookie snack pack. Read more Robertson Davies. Doze.

4. Feel like a creeper, because as you try to look out the window – to watch the beautiful night lights as you descend into Seatac – you realize that you are leaning just a little too close to the man sitting to your left.

5. Exit the plane, and head straight for the Park N’ Fly pick-up station. Embrace the cold as it hits your recycled air drained skin. Breathe deeply.

6. Board the Park N’ Fly shuttle. Bounce along the highway until you reach the parking lot. Decide who will drive the first leg of the excursion home.

7. Pay for 9 days worth of car storage.

8. Settle into the passenger seat. Tell your love that even though it’s 11:30 at night, and you have quite a ways to go just to get home, it still feels like a grand adventure. Also let him know that you will switch as soon as he wants a break.

9. Get on the I-5.

10. Relish in the late-night beauty of it all. Talk little. Feel close.

11. Encounter fog. A lot of it.

12. Pull off for gas. Despair about the fact that the closed gas station doesn’t have a bathroom. Pee in the bushes. Fear that someone is either going to come grab you, or, alternatively, take damning photos of you squatting in the bushes.

13. Get back on the freeway.

14. Start to feel drowsy. Will yourself to stay awake for the sake of your husband. Laugh a little when he tells you that he wants to switch because he too is getting tired.

15. Suggest milkshakes. They will, of course, quell hunger pains, and provide a much needed sugar rush.

16. Feel elated by how excited your husband is about the idea of milkshakes.

17. Take the first exit with fast food signs. Pull into the Wendy’s parking lot. Switch positions, and then drive into the drive-thru. Order a chocolate frosty for you, and a caramel frosty shake for your husband. Wonder what’s the difference between a frosty and frosty shake. Pay.

18. Get back on the freeway. Understand quickly that frostys were not meant to be eaten through a straw. Really flex those sucking muscles.

19. Get to the border. Literally pull up to the first (and only) agent because no one else is there. Answer three questions. Keep driving.

20. Try not to speed like a demon now that you are in your home country and so, so close to your home home.

21. Make a left, and then a right. Push the garage door opener and pull into your parking spot. Grab all your luggage and garbage and head to your front door. Wonder if the Christmas lights have been on all week. Insert your key into the door and greet your adorable cat who is prancing about your feet. Drop everything, pick her up and smother her in pats and kisses.

22. Remark that the house is freezing.

23. Ascend the stairs to your bedroom, jump into the nearest pair of pajamas. Floss and brush your teeth. Realize you left your mouth guard back at your mother’s house.

24. Wash your face.

25. Crawl into an absolutely freezing cold bed. Feel your husband’s arms around you. Tell him that your hair smells like an airplane. Feel his whole body laugh. Smile.

My Christmas wish(es)

So.

First things first.

Look what happened this morning!

Talk about magic.

Now, on to the important stuff.

The brilliant Ms. J from Ambling and Rambling (the big sister blog to ye olde Rant and Roll) has asked me to pen my 2012 Christmas wishes, as, interestingly enough, one of her Christmas wishes.

How very meta.

So it’s got me thinking (literally, I’ve put on my pondering cap and everything) as to what is it that I want most, for not necessarily myself, but for the entire world as we head into the holidays and New Year.

So let’s just dive right in, shall we?

It’s going to be a doozy.

First, I wish that a fitting punishment be doled out to all these offenders listed below:

– escalator standers

– sidewalk shufflers

– gym grunters

– movie talkers

– chair kickers

– mouth breathers

– staff meeting monologuers

– perpetual cell phone checkers

– non-signalling drivers

– mansplainers

ESPECIALLY MANSPLAINERS.

They are the absolute worst.

Don’t know a mansplainer?

They are those dudes who, because they’re a dude, like to corner women at parties, or bars, or their offices, or the bus stop, and explain to them what it’s like to be a woman, and what, as a woman, they should be doing with their life.

As a woman.

Yeah.

My reaction to this phenomenon is always the same:

THANKS TIPS BUT I’M DOING JUST FINE.

Yeesh.

As punishment, these individuals will have to complete a minimum sentence of twenty years of hard labour, to be served on Baffin Island, carrying rocks from one coastline to the other.

And back again.

However, in a bid to seem lenient, it will be their choice as to whether the rocks are carried North-South or East-West .

(I want to see fair, after all.)

Next!

My second wish is that anyone thinking about getting a pet next year, first looks at adoption options, before purchasing their little one.

There are so just many animals out there that need our help. And if you don’t believe me, just watch that awful Sarah McLachlan SPCA commercial.

(You know, the one that destroys viewers with all those clips of abused and sick puppies and kittens.)

ACK.

I get choked up just thinking about it.

(Seriously, if your heart doesn’t break into ten thousand pieces by the 2.7 second mark of that ad, congratulations, you are officially a psychopath.)

Anyways, what I’m trying to say here is that it would make such a difference if more people looked into their local shelters before buying, because there are so many awesome little gals and guys currently available for adoption who need a warm and loving place to call home.

It was actually at our neighbourhood SPCA that we found Ms. Nymeria, and as you may have guessed, we couldn’t (and wouldn’t want to) imagine our life now without her.

(Even when she’s limbering up her killing paw.)

Phew. Where did all this rain falling on my face come from?

Onwards!

Third on the docket is my wish that Hot Chip returns to Vancouver ASAP, so that I can once again dance my mad face off to them in concert.

(HOW SELFISH CAN I GET, RIGHT?)

But seriously, looking back on the past three hundred and fifty-odd days, this concert was a major musical highlight (in a year already defined by many, many boughts of tonal awesomeness.)

So Alexis Taylor, et. al., – I implore you. Get your groovetastic selves back to Vancity, and STAT.

Over, and over, and over, again.

Side note: I kind of feel like I’m writing a Friday Fry-up here. But on a Wednesday. MIND BLOWN.

Finally, my Christmas wish (my real one) is for the whole world to just take a moment, and CHILL OUT.

Just stop.

Stop fighting.

Stop shooting.

Stop bombing.

Stop spending.

Stop talktalktalking.

Instead –

Start listening.

Start learning.

Start dialogue.

Start change.

Make change.

Make time.

Make beauty.

See beauty.

Love.

See love.

Be love.

Reflect.

Revise.

Breathe.

Believe.

Take one moment, and believe.

Because I believe our world can be better – little by little, person by person.

I believe we can make it better.

And so that is my wish.

I wish for all others to believe.

All the world’s a stage

Hi friends.

I am so excited to be writing today’s post it’s a little silly.

So let’s just get right to it shall we?

Fry-up time!

Minty fresh.

On Tuesday I made mint pea soup and parmesan toast:

Out here on the west coast, it has been raining like a raining thing and I find that once our days reach a certain level of murk, all I want to do is make (and eat) hot, healthy foods and curl up in front of the fire.

Hence the need to whip up a fresh batch of this glorious green concoction.

Now, whenever I eat/make pea soup, I always think about that scene at the beginning of The Rescuers Down Under (we’re talking high art here folks), where Bernard takes Bianca out for a really fancy dinner (with the express intention of proposing to her).

Side note: I will always stand by my opinion that The Rescuers – the original movie – was always the better movie of the two.

Anyway, the mice and all the other animals are actually dining in the chandelier of an incredibly well-to-do (human) restaurant. A pea falls off the plate of one of the human dishes, only to be promptly scooped up by one of the animal waiters (a very posh-looking grasshopper), who then slingshots it up to the animal kitchen.

There, a chef – also a grasshopper – takes the pea and turns it into soup.

Now, what made this short, but memorable scene so brilliant (to six year old me) is the way both of these characters exclaim “pea soup!” with such enthusiasm and hilarity.

And as a child I could never, ever, get enough of their enunciation and tone.

And to this day, it still cracks me up.

So of course, every time I sit down to a bowl I absolutely have to say “pea soup!” just like a posh grasshopper waiter-or-chef.

Seriously, check it out for yourself:

And believe me, once you start, you won’t stop.

Onwards!

Taking a stand.

So.

I promised to post it as soon as I had the chance, and well, here it is!

My stand-up routine.

Meep.

Full disclaimer – this video contains some not-so-safe for work language. I make a concerted effort to communicate in this here blog without any swears, but I must confess that when I get on stage they are much harder to contain.

I do so hope that you enjoy it.

p.s. My name is Vanessa Woznow. Erm…hi?

A good word.

One of my most-loved things to do in preparation for the holidays is purchase beautiful little cards and send them to all my family and friends.

This year I chose gorgeous doves! And penguins sledding down a hill!

(This photo is also excellent evidence that I cannot keep myself away from sparkle – even in card form.)

Last night I prepared all of my cards for my rad work mates and for my family’s cousin Christmas card swap – a tradition born out of my grandfather’s passing five years ago.

He used to send us each a personalized card every December 25^th, and we want to keep the memory alive by making sure we stay in touch over the holiday season.

What makes it even more special is that this year I will get to see so many of them in person.

And goodness knows I CANNOT WAIT.

(Double eep!)

…

So there you have it beauty cats.

Soup, comedy, and cards – the trifecta dominating my thoughts on these dark and dreary, and oh-so late autumn evenings.

I hope all of your weekends are filled with love, laughter, and light.

Because goodness knows, Nymeria and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Love is all around me

Hi kitty cats!

My lovely man snapped this bonkers photo of me late Saturday night (actually now that I think about it, it was more like early Sunday morning) after returning home from two shindigs with our lovely friends.

I shouted down from upstairs that I needed him to take a photo of my skirt and as I raced downstairs this is what happened:

I kind of love it.

Almost as much as I love this skirt.

Either way, ho hum, pigs bum.

And elsewhere in the cosmic kitchen –

Kitten love.

Fondue festivities.

All the noms were enjoyed in this photo. Oh yes.

Also, in cool news on the comedy front, I was invited to perform at an open mic in Surrey on Sunday night (and I did it! HUZZAH!)

This turned out to be excellent fun times. I brought a rad posse of bad-ass friends to keep me company, as I was a little nervous about being the only girl comic there – as I imagine this position to be one with some inherent loneliness.

I can only imagine how nuts it would have been had I showed up and just proceeded to read some Brothers Karamazov while waiting to do my set.

Actually, I kind of want to do that next time just to see the reaction.

Good grief.

I am also going to be performing at a Pro-Am show on December 20th.

Meep.

So things are happening! Funny things are happening!

In the meantime, I am actually dead alive on my feet after a weekend of madcappery and brilliance.

On Friday night I met up with a fab friend for a post-work drink, and goodness gracious was that ever a laugh and a half.

Seriously dudes, when I say that all the laughs were belong to us, THIS IS NO JOKE.

We also might be clinically insane.

As I rode skytrain home I kept trying to read my book but couldn’t because I just kept giggling like a bloody loon. People were looking at me like I was absolutely mad.

(Not a heck of a lot different from my everyday experience, but hey, at least I’m always enjoying myself, right?)

When I got home M had prepared for us an amazing fondue feast and we gorged ourselves on gruyere before retiring to our newly transformed Christmas den (aka living room) to watch Love Actually and drink scotch (him) and tea (me.)

Don’t think I’ll ever be able to do the scotch thing, but it seems as though Mr. M is turning into el suavo extraordinaire.

Such a total, total, stud.

The rest of the weekend was a whirlwind of parties, runs, cleaning sprees, gift shopping, and catch-up brunches (are there any other kind?)

Goodness I hope not.

What did you all get up to this weekend?

I want to hear all about it.

(And that’s no joke.)

Shine bright like a diamond

Hey you beauty cats.

Holy smokes, today I am le tired.

Last night was stand-up comedy fest 2012 – aka my first time at the microphone in front of buckets and buckets of people – at it was AH-MAZE-ING.

Seriously, it one of the most brilliant nights of my life.

I ended up being the de facto headliner of the evening (as I was the last comic to perform) and I kind of want to say that I killed.

The audience laughed at all the right places (and at some bits that I never really considered all that funny), and even better, they laughed loudly.

I also had a number of other comics approach me after my set and ask me if I had ever done stand-up before (some actually thought I was a performer that my teacher had booked to close off the night).

So fair warning, I’m about two steps away from quitting my life and becoming a professional runner/stand-up comedian (although I should probably remain an amateur because that way I can compete in the stand-up comedy/running Olympics.)

Phew.

Fry-up time!

Shine on you crazy diamond.

So if you’ve been paying attention to any of this year’s holiday fashion trends you would know that sparkles are currently all the rage.

And as such, I feel like a crazed attention deficient hummingbird every time I enter a clothing store.

Everything is shimmering and glittering, and I want to try on each disco-ball inspired piece.

Just yesterday I was at Joe Fresh in hopes of procuring a sparkly skirt (one that I could wear to the myriad of Christmas parties and get togethers I have coming down the pipe over the next month) and I was near blinded by an absolute deluge of sparkle.

Talk about sensory overload.

I did end up purchasing a lovely little number (I am kicking myself for not snapping a photo, but will be sure to take one this weekend) that is absolutely perfect, with just the right amount of glitz and glam.

In the mean time, check out these nails:

Oh baby.

Next!

I’d stop the world and melt with you.

I don’t always cheese on toast.

But when I do, I cheese on toast with two kinds of cheese.

Sharp cheddar. Parmesan.

Oh baby.

Out of a canon.

I spent the summer after my second year of undergrad in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

It’s an absolutely brilliant city and I urge you all to go should you ever get the chance.

One of my jobs was working the front door at a fab little bar/restaurant down at the waterfront, on the nights they had bands or performers playing.

The nub and gist of my position was the more people I could convince to stay and pay cover, the more money I would take home at the end of the night.

Now when I say I loved my job, I am not lying. Above and beyond the fact that I made a crap ton of money (due to my oustanding powers of coercion), I got to listen to amazing music pretty much every night that I worked.

In particular, there was always one musician who – week in and week out – continually knocked my socks off.

Ladies and gents, may I present to you –

Matt Andersen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unh4gbcanoI

Most of his stuff is much bluesier, but I cannot tell a lie, I’m digging this foray into the country tunes.

It gets me fired up.

Oh baby.

…

So there you have it you crazy loons.

I will post the link to my stand-up set on Youtube as soon as it is uploaded.

In the mean time, enjoy your weekends, eat some cheese and toast, and be your brilliant, beautiful, bonkers selves.

Because goodness knows, you’re what makes the world go round.