Tag: Humor

Making an effort to stretch myself

Hey gang.

I have a dirty, horrible secret that I need to get off my chest.

(Urg, that conjures up some truly horrific imagery doesn’t it? It makes me think of a putrid, gelatinous squid laying waste to my body, its tentacles wedged into the crooks of my neck and the dip of my bellybutton.)

[pauses]

Gaaaaaaaaaah!

Why would I even write that? Now that I’ve conjured up that visual nightmare, I’ve only made this whole thing even worse.

Enough of this pseudo-Alien bullshazzle Ethel. Pull yourself together woman!

Okay.

My secret doesn’t have anything to do with my sci-fi film proclivities, nor does it have anything to do with seafood (although you can bet your bottom dollar I’m not going to be ordering a plate of calamari anytime soon.)

My dark globule of shame is thus:

I’VE STARTED DOING YOGA.

[pauses]

Gaaaaaaaaaaaah!

I should have just stuck with being eaten alive by a blood thirsty extra-terrestrial octopus.

And yet, alas, it is true.

To paraphrase Katy Perry: I did yoga and I liked it. (I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.)

Jeeze Louise, I am losing all the cool points today, aren’t I?

GOOD GRIEF.

So how did this all come about you might ask? (Or maybe just, you know, can you get to the point Ethel because you’re rambling like a rambling thing?)

It all started with the rain.

You see, here in Beautiful British Columbia© it rains like the absolute dickens. The relentless deluge we west coasters suffer through betwixt the months of October to April (and sometimes later) is of such magnitude that there is a good chance we will grow moss all over our bodies if we do not exercise constant vigilance.

This is fact.

So. As the drizzle has now descended upon our fair city, coupled by the fact that the days are growing ever shorter (and ever darker), I am trying my darndest not to reenlist at the gym, because a.) I’m trying to save money and b.) GYMS ARE THE WORST.

But it’s hard. Who wants to arrive home from work and go running outside in the pitch-dark pouring rain?

The absolute wettest I have EVER been on a run. Taken this past weekend.

That is bleak, bleak sauce.

However, I figure if I work really hard at it, a gym-free solution is doable.

For instance, because I am currently taking a break from my half-marathon training schedule, I have the option of going for much shorter, faster runs.

For instance, yesterday I burned through a 5 km while practicing my sprints/hill running.

I also have to admit that running in the rain isn’t always as dreadful as it sounds. Sometimes it’s actually pretty empowering and deliciously badass. Plus, it’s definitely manageable if you’re only doing it for 20-30 minutes at a time.

Further, no one is saying that should we get the odd nice weekend here and there I can’t take advantage and bang out a sweet 10-15k just to make sure I don’t backtrack in terms of my distance training.

The second part of of my gym-free workout plan is to do a crap load of resistance work, which means push-ups, pull-ups, squats, lunges, burpees, wall sits, planks – you name it.

And the plus side of all of this is that I can do all of these things in the comfort of my own home.

Okay, okay, I know what you’re all thinking: “WHAT ABOUT THE BLOODY YOGA!?”

I’m getting there, I promise.

Seeing as though I’ve been told that I should be practicing my downward dog and sun salutation for something like the past two-hundred years, last Sunday I finally thought to myself, “Enough of this bollocks. I might as well give it a go.”

Now, don’t get any crazy ideas that I actually went out a bought a mat and paid for a class or anything.

After a brutal session of burpees, jump squats, pull-ups, and hip raises, a twenty-minute beginners yoga class via Youtube (that I could do complete on the carpet in my bedroom) was looking pretty good.

And it was!

It was good.

It was so good in fact, that I’ve done the same video every night since, as well as an extra session of stretching.

The only fly in the ointment being that whenever I am doing my poses M walks around the house muttering “HANI PASHA” to himself, which completely ruins my concentration and sends me into uncontrollable giggle fits.

But I’ll take it.

In the end, I guess a leopard really can change her spots, as I have long ridiculed yoga and its disciples (living in Lotus Land it’s pretty hard not to, what with the city’s collection obsession with Lululemon and its competitors.)

So that’s it folks; that is my slimy, salacious secret.

I am a budding, neophyte yogi.

And I blame it on the rain.

All these things we love to hate

Life is all about the yin and the yang; the light and the dark.

Let’s embrace it!

I love:

Veggie burgers with melted cheddar cheese, fried onions and mushrooms, pickles, and spinach on asiago bread. Oh, and yam fries.

I loathe:

Turnips, any way. Can we please stop trying to make turnips happen? They are a pain in the ass to peel, take forever to cook, and taste the way that farts smell.

They are the absolute worst.

I love:

Community.

I suffered brief, albeit alarming heart palpitations when I heard that the premiere of this brilliant, and gut-bustingly hilarious show has been pushed back.

Why NBC, WHHHHYYY?

And how does consistently crap programming keep getting renewed (or you know, Charlie Sheen keep getting hired?) while this perfect gem of hilarity gets slowly Arrested Developmented?

That is so not cool, cool, cool.

I loathe:

Cameron Crowe movies. Do people, other than narcissistic fifteen year-old boys and emotionally stunted, middle aged, ex-high school star quarterbacks actually like this drivel?

These are not good movies. In fact, they are terrible. Anytime I hear someone talk about how good Almost Famous is I want to box their ears. Elizabethtown is so awful it’s laughable.

I swear I can just hear Mr. Crowe cackling over his perceived wit every time I unwittingly see a clip from one of these car wrecks.

Plus they just feel so nineties – and not in a good way. Take Clueless for instance – that movies is nineties in the most awesome way possible. These films just feel like itchy flannel chafing my teen spirit to death.

SHOW NO ONE THE MONEY.

I love:

MY CAT.

ZOMG. SHE IS THE KEEEEY-UTEST.

I loathe:

No animals. That’s impossible.

But I do think that people who hate animals are Satan’s minions.

And there’s no saving soulless demon-spawn. They’re goners.

I love:

Going grocery shopping after working out. It always makes me feel like I’M GETTING STUFF DONE.

Plus my adrenaline is still going like gangbusters so I can carry at least 40 per cent more groceries than normal.

Not to mention you always buy all the best stuff post-sweat fest. Except for coconut water with pulp – that stuff is weird sauce.

I loathe:

Forgetting to buy razors.

Because that means I have to go back to the store, and once I commit to going back to the store, it means picking up Drano because for some reason the bathtub isn’t draining quite right, and also bodywash (but not the kind I really like due to the fact that it’s now nine dollars, and that is obscene), and spray that makes my hair way, way shiny (but smells like really strong old lady perfume, so much so that I immediately regret my purchase, especially because if I hadn’t bought it I could have just got the good kind of body wash in the first place.)

That may or may not have happened.

Phew.

So what about you dudes? What do you love? What do you loathe? Let it all Chang out.

Don’t forget. I’ve got bionic hearing.

Hey you beauty cats.

Well, another day, another dollar. I’m not sure about you folks, but I am absolutely knackered. Thank goodness it’s Friday. And a long weekend at that!

It’s Thanksgiving up here in the Great White North (GWN) which means that over the next three days there will be an extra serving of turkey on dinner plates across the country.

For us (quasi) veggiephiles, Thanksgiving is the perfect excuse to go double duty (or just completely bonkers) on the multitude of multi-coloured tubers and gourmet gourds, so readily available around this time of year.

And goodness knows I plan on eating myself into a sweet potato stupor come Monday, mid-afternoon. Airing on the side of caution, if one of you could check in sometime Tuesday morning just to make sure my glucose levels have returned to normal I would really, really appreciate it.

(If I don’t respond, please contact that appropriate authorities.)

One million thank yous!

In the meantime, let’s get started on this Friday’s Fry-Up.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

Guess what I did?

Check out MAH NEW HAIR!

As a treat to myself for my success at the half-marathon last weekend I got it cut and dyed professionally.

Professionally! For the first time ever!

I’VE MADE IT TO THE BIG TIME MOM!

Meep.

As you may remember from my post last March, all previous attempts at colouring my hair had been self-initiated (with varying levels of success.)

The lows were, erm, very low.

So, I vowed I would never again colour it again with dye from box. I’ve done my time wearing Dexter gloves and ruining M’s t-shirts.

And may I just say, I LOVE the results.

I’m digging the bangs, I’m digging the colour, and my ends no longer look like I stuck my finger into wall socket.

I also totally cracked up when why stylist told me, “You look like Jesse Pinkman’s dead girlfriend.”

Oh I certainly do.

Only, you know, less addicted to heroin and making much better life choices.

I am, after all, a role model.

Next!

Weirdos, weirdos, everywhere

I recently started watching Freaks and Geeks on Netflix. It’s pretty freaking awesome (no pun intended.)

Bill is hands down my favourite character. I just know that if I was fourteen years old I would be head over heels in love with him.

Check out his fancy moves:

I have to say I like the “Geeks” story-line much more than I like that of the “Freaks”. There is only so much James Franco I can take. And I just not that big a fan of Lindsay and her freak-chic slumming ways.

Is that harsh?

Eh, whatevs.

On the other hand, the trio of Neal, Bill, and Sam is just perfection.

I certainly wasn’t the coolest ice cube in the high school tray (my penchant for the musings of long dead Russian communists and nihilistic German misogynists didn’t exactly ingratiate me to a ton of suitors) but even though I wasn’t exactly on the same level as these three nerdos, I sympathize with them entirely.

The brilliance of their friendship warms my heart like mad.

It almost, almost makes me yearn for the days of braces and topical acne gel.

ALMOST.

Onwards!

Bradbury, you evil genius

Given that I’ve been keeping up an intense reading regimen, I’ve been reading a ton of Bradbury.

Just today I finished The Illustrated Man.

All I can say is: HOW CAN SOMEONE WRITE SO WELL ALL THE TIME!? HOW?

How could this man describe things in such unimaginably beautiful ways – describe all things in such heart-stoppingly fantastical language – in a manner that never, ever gets tiring.

In a manner that is never, ever trite.

It is never too flowery, it is never overkill.

It is always perfect.

His words tie my stomach in knots, they bring tears to my eyes; they make me think. They make me fear. They make me nervous for – I don’t know what.

They make me question my life, question my writing; they make me want to be a better writer.

They make me want.

“They moved down the echoing throats of the castle, level after dim green level, down into mustiness and decay and spiders and dreamlike webbing.”

And so I dream.

I dream of this webbing.

I dream of the stars.

Don’t wake me I plan on sleeping in

I’m feeling all over the place these days.

My body seems to be powered by an endless supply of frenetic energy and I’m having a hard time trying to keep still. Something inside of me keeps telling me to “GOGOGOGO”, and sometime over the last week my powers of concentration completely misfired, and during my (failed) attempt to give them a jump start, they escaped through the open window and are now MIA.

It could be the fact that I am not running this week, in preparation for the half-marathon this Sunday.

It could be the fact that it is early autumn, and oh-so beautiful outside, and all I want to do is dress like a cowgirl, go for long walks, and drink pumpkin spice lattes under the shade of a shedding maple, or perhaps elm.

It could be – wait a second…did I really just write that?

Good grief – it’s like I fantasize about living in a pinterest board.

(p.s. Do you guys pinterest? I don’t and am afraid to venture into this world for fear that I will drown in my self-pinned reflection of midi dresses, kittens, lemon tarts, and three piece suits.)

Not a bad way to go actually…

ACK.

See what I mean? I’m so easily distracted it is amazing that I manage to brush my teeth and tie my shoes.

I haven’t been sleeping all that well for the past few nights and as such I’ve had my fair share of individuals letting me know that I “look tired.”

Now, would I be speaking out of turn if I requested that we – the collective whole of humanity – stop doing this?

I’m thinking of writing to my member of parliament asking him to table a private member’s bill that would make it illegal for individuals to point out to others that it looks as though they didn’t get the recommended eight hours.

Because let’s be honest. When you tell someone that they “look tired” you’re not just telling them that they could stand to catch another forty winks (give or take, depending on how closely you adhere to ol’ Rip van Winkle’s sleeping philosophy.)

Oh no.

You are basically telling that person that they look like crap – even if you don’t mean to.

You tell someone that they look tired, and I can guarantee you (100% or money back) that they hear the following:

“Holy moley! You look like a ruddy disaster! What happened to you?”

(Give or take a few colloquialism, adjectives, adverbs, etc., etc.)

Seriously, there is nothing worse than the ZOMGYOULOOKTIRED. Just tell me I look like an arse, and move on.

Oh! And none of this feigned concern. Don’t pretend that you are telling me that I look completely bagged under the guise that you are worried about my well being. If you did think that something was wrong, I assume you would ask, “is everything okay?” and not open with an underhanded assessment of my overall haleness and heartiness.

(Man, who knew that those two words actually are words? I was full-on expecting the squiggly red lines upon typing them both.)

Dance break:

Oh, and this reminds me – one other thing:

What is UP with the re-compliment?

You know, when you see a co-worker, or a friend, and they are wearing a darling little ensemble, or a sweet pair of kicks, and you (being the cool, awesome person that you are) let them know how smashing they look in their terrific shirt/pants/shoes/what-have-you?

And then they – instead of thanking you, or responding that they too dig their outfit – become paralyzed by a need to compliment you back, and start stammering about how they too like your jeans, or fedora, or disposable hospital gown because they are a doctor and you weren’t wearing anything else when you told her that you liked her earrings?

(Yeah…so that definitely never happened.)

(Also – I would also never wear a fedora.)

But!

Can we just agree to put a stop to this weird social interaction?

Can we agree that if someone compliments you, to take the compliment and move on? You are not obliged to return the favour. In all likelihood there was zero ulterior motive in the original flattery – people normally don’t give out praise in the hope of getting it back (and if they are doing this, stop hanging out with these individuals at once.)

Because when you force out the return compliment (or re-compliment) it usually comes across as super awkward and disingenuous (whether or not you really actually mean it.)

This happened to me today and I really wanted to blurt out, “JUST STOP! You’re killing us both!”

And hey, if you actually do like your flatterer’s ensemble? Just give the original compliment a little breathing room, and then let the person know.

Be all, “I have been meaning to tell you that I really like your pink sunglasses!”

Just as long as you don’t follow it up with:

“Are you wearing them to cover those bags under your eyes? Because you look really, really tired today.”

Because that’s just all sorts of wrong.

Let’s give them something to talk about

It’s Friday friends! Put on your smoking jacket, pour yourself a snifter of brandy, and take a load off. Today’s fry-up will take care of the rest.

Dancing queen.

DUDES.

Do you have gangnam style?

I DO.

No joke, I love this song so much it is destroying my life. Because you see, while I cannot STOP listening to it, I also cannot JUST listen to it.

Oh no.

Whenever I hear the blasted tune I must, MUST boogie down for all of my life.

A couple of days ago I actually tried to make a video of just me dancing to the song, but then I scared the crap out of my cat during the first take and then on the second realized I looked CRAZY breaking it down.

So no video folks.

JUST KIDDING – I would never do that to you! Here it is:

So now you can take my word for it when I say that I am a dance maniac and no one can stop me.

NO ONE.

Further proof:  when I was in Russia partying my wretched vodka infused-butt off until 5 in the morning every night, I had a Russian chick come up to me and ask me: “Excuse me, but – where from?” “Ya Canadka,” I responded. “Potomu?” (Why?) “Ohhhhhh,” she replied back. [motions to my dancing] “VEEERRRY interesting!”

And I thought her country men and women were the craziest dancers I had ever seen!

So yeah. MANIAC.

Fall is here. Ring the bell.

Autumn is nipping at our heels here on the West coast of Canada. And it sure is lovely.

Last night the sun was a ball of flaming red fire, and the sky was a melting mixture of pinks, oranges, and yellows – like a solar Shirley Temple for the thirsty space traveller.

Because the weather in the morning has taken a turn for the cooler side of things, I was forced to call my bluff and finally go and buy some tights.

In the process, I picked up some other fall must-haves, including these sweet, sweet kicks:

Joe Fresh baby – it is a truly wacky (said in the voice of Michael Kors) store at its worst, but goodness knows if it doesn’t know how to score me a deal at the best of times.

I am also crunching fallen leaves like a loon – going out of my way to get every last one of them. A man walking to skytrain a few paces behind me this morning actually burst out laughing after watching my manic trajectory down the sidewalk.

But hey, JUDGE NOT RIGHT?

There are worse things I could be doing than stepping on crinkle-cut leaves.

Goodness knows.

Clean eating, clean living.

I have cut out all processed foods from my diet, and most grains and sugars.

Urg, I feel like such a broom admitting that for the next eight weeks I will be paleo-ing it (with the best of all the other paleo brooms) but alas, it is the case.

So remember – NO JUDGING.

Now, I must stress, this isn’t anything to do with losing weight.

This is an attempt to regulate my (pretty well documented) sugar addiction, and I figure it’s a pretty good way of making sure I cut out all junk food from my diet.

Now, the paleo diet traditionally means no grains; however, because I am running a half-marathon on the 30th of this month, there is no way I can do this, as that would be ridiculous and foolhardy. So instead, I am eating less than what I would regularly consume, and then will cut them out completely once I am finished the race.

So far I have completed four days and I am surprised at just how easily it has been. No chocolate. No candy. No chips. No brake-down.

What’s even better is I have been cooking up a storm, and I am so, SO excited about coming home and preparing amazing meals. This, along with curbing my sugar intake, is definitely the best result so far of the program.

So bring on the next fifty-six days – I WILL OWN YOU ALL.

…

What’s shaking in your neck of the woods lately? Let’s dance and you can tell me all about it.