Books – Page 3 – Rant and Roll

Open up and bare it all

Hi Chickadees!

There are so, SO many things of which I have to write, but while I get my thoughts (and pictures, and videos) in order, and oil up my oh-so rusty typing fingers, I am going to answer the ten funniest questions OF LIFE posed to me by the amazingly hilarious Great Unwashed.

Please go check out her blog. You will not regret this decision.

And now! My answers:

1. If you had to choose between Anna Karenina, War and Peace and Steve Martin’s acclaimed novella “Shopgirl” which book would be the best weapon in a bar fight?

First off, GREAT QUESTION.

My initial reaction was all, “UMMMM ANNA KARENINA YO.”

NEXT!

In terms of sheer weight (both literally, and literature-aly), The Jerk doesn’t have a thing on old Leo T. In fact, I am surprised he is even included here in the list. I would have expected something like – Anna Karenina, The Brothers Karamazov, and Les Miserables.

I only initially chose the adorable adventures of Kitty and Levin (and the insufferable angst of Anna and Vronsky) because it was first in the list. War and Peace would also pack one hell of a punch.

But I digress.

My decision in the end actually IS Shopgirl (and not just because I love the word “novella”), but because anyone who thought to start a bar fight with me, and then happened to espy that I was reading such dreck would probably realize that going rope-a-dope with me just wouldn’t be worth it.

My life would be much too sad already.

Side note: my husband really hates Steve Martin.

Like, a lot.

I don’t really care either way, but I do dig the fact that he plays the banjo.

2. What is the longest period you’ve ever gone without bathing? Please note, stays in Turkish prisons do not count.

DULY NOTED.

Okay, first things first –

I LOVE TAKING SHOWERS.

They are firmly ensconced in my Top Five Things to Do By Myself.

Plus I just generally hate feeling dirty. Nothing feels as good as a great scrubbing.

The longest I have ever gone without showering was two weeks in grade ten when I was a camp counsellor in training.

I took part in a teenage Outward Bound-type excursion, and being that we spent the entire time in the wild woods, we also went the entire time sans-showers.

I tell you, even though we had the opportunity to swim almost every day, I was practically dreaming about soap and shampoo by the end of the trip.

3. You’ve decided to take on three additional husbands and or wives, who are they? Both living and dead people may be included, although admittedly an attraction to the deceased is a little beyond me.

SUCH A HARD QUESTION.

But such a good question.

Okayokayokay.

For the purely physical: James Spader circa 1986.

Or Rafa Nadal circa all of his Armani ads.

SO HOT I JUST CAN’T EVEN.

For the purely intellectual: David Mitchell.

SO FUNNY AND SMART I JUST CAN’T EVEN.

For the whole package: Stephen Colbert.

*brain explosion*

4. What is your most unfortunate public transportation story?

I have drooled quite a bit on the metro in my day.

Also, once, while riding the last skytrain back home I watched a guy barf all over the floor.

That wasn’t very nice.

5. Go back in time, you’re attempting to sell your five year old sibling, what is your asking price?

ONE MILLION CHOCOLATE BARS.

6. In a bid to secure the Guinness World Record for “Longest and Highest Transport of Tom Cruise” you’ve decided to piggyback this superstar across the Andes. What phrase do you repeat to yourself during the tough parts of the trek to spur yourself onwards when Tom’s pointy hip bones are digging into your spine?

The following classic line from Top Gun:

“I WANT SOME BUTTS!”

(See below video.)

No joke, I use this line almost daily.

7. What do you consider to be a valid reason for a hunger strike?

I wrote a super long answer about torture and imprisonment without cause that was super, super grim (surprise, surprise!) so for the sake of brevity I’ll just say that weird pink chicken mcnugget sludge.

The thought of that stuff pretty much turns me off food for life.

8. Name three items you hide from your spouse or significant other or even better, yourself.

I don’t actually hide much, if anything at all, from Marc.

As many of you who read this blog might have guessed, I’m a pretty transparent person.

However, for years I denied that it was me who put the dent into our old VW Golf. I also only watch Drop Dead Diva when he’s either asleep or out of the house. One time I farted on the subway and convinced him that he was in fact the one who farted.

9. Where are the hiding places for these items? Wait! Don’t tell me, I’m a terrible secret keeper.

MY CONSCIENCE.

10. How do you feel about my interviewing skills? Will they make Oprah love me?

If the big O doesn’t love you, please take some level of comfort in the fact that I most definitely do.

…

So there you have it!

What about you dudes? What are some of your answers to the fab-tastic queries?

Please do share.

Because let’s be honest here, they are just too good not to.

Let’s get together and feel alright

My life currently revolves around three things:

1. Running.

Scotiabank half-marathon this weekend! I’ve raised almost $1,200 and it’s going to be an absolute hoot of a run.

Sub 1:30 or bust!

2. Bring up the Bodies (by the AMAZING Hilary Mantel)

This woman is an absolute genius. She makes me want to create beauty.

3. HOMELAND.

OMG.

Are you dudes watching this!?

IT’S SO GOOD. (Although mega, mega stress-inducing.)

Also, the whole world needs more Mandy Patinkin.

Meanwhile, around the apple orchard:

Oh hi there.

Delicious treats.

Godzilla-fied New Westminter.

Close cribbage games.

Post-talk flowers.

…

So blue haroo, and pip pip, and all that my good chaps.

I hope this week is filled with all the good things.

And more.

We are all made of stars

Well, the weather broke.

After enjoying an absolutely beautiful week of balmy, breezy days, solid gold sunshine, and temperatures hovering about the twenty degree mark, we’re officially back to the drizzle.

Dressing myself for work this morning I had to gird my loins, knowing full well that in order to get out the door I would have to face the ever-dreaded “turtle neck and pair of tights” combination.

Humbug.

So sure was I last week that I had seen the last of this much worn duo: “Until (at the very least) next September!” I had cockily crowed to Marc.

However.

Even the thick mist and rain spackled streets can’t do much to temper my mood.

Because dudes I am feeling pretty darn good.

Today I kicked some major butt at work, and now I’m off to do a show tonight at a new room (for me) with a bunch of very funny, and very rad comedians.

Also, this Wednesday I have my first show at YukYuks, which makes me feel all squiggly and nervous, but also very, very happy.

This past weekend I bought a ridiculously cute dress for my sister’s wedding (they had to order my size, so as soon as I get it home I will take a photo!), and last night I made homemade pizza for dinner, and tonight fresh pasta with homemade sauce.

Friday is normally the day that I save for a fry-up, but to mix things up a bit, let me please present you with – the Monday Mash-up.

You can’t fight it, it’s science.

I have a crush on Carl Sagan.

He is my imaginary dead boyfriend.

Is that weird?

Whatever, he was a hot piece with a fab brain.

I just wish that he was still alive to keep doing his mad-genius thing, helping young people the world over get jazzed about space. The future of Canada’s space program is currently up in the air, and I just believe that if our government gave more weight to bright, brilliant, and brave scientists (such as Mr. Sagan) we wouldn’t be facing this situation.

I may just have to go back to uni and take on a whole new career path.

Put on the kettle.

LOOK AT THESE MUGS I BOUGHT:

I cannot even being to tell you how happy they make me.

I mean, they are a perfect combination of three of my most favourite things: hot drinks, cursive writing, and my love.

YES.

Reading rights.

SO.

After lamenting my reading drought, I have been back at the books fast and furious.

The first book I read was Black Snow by Bulgakov. He is one of my all-time favourites, and if you get a chance be sure to check him out. His magical realism will blow your mind, and he shines a light on the absurdities of 20th century Russian society like no other.

Next I re-read The Infinite Wait, a graphic novel by Julia Wertz. Terrific all around. Funny, moving, inspiring – this woman is a gem.

Finally, I just finishing Faithful Place by Tana French.

THIS WOMAN IS AMAZING. One of the best mystery writers I have ever read (and I have read my GIANT share of mysteries.) Plus I am always amazed when anybody can write well from the opposite sex’s perspective, and Ms. French does it absolutely perfectly.

Ch-ch-check it out.

…

So there you have it folks.

What are you reading these days? What did you get up for the weekend?

Let me know all about it.

We are all travelers here

I daydream a lot.

I think about the worlds and places that we have yet to visit. How we might fly far and away, up past the moon, beyond our stars; a one-way trip to distant isles, and unexplored realms; unsolved probabilities, and untamed possibilities.

I dream.

I close my eyes and breathe.

This past month I haven’t been reading much.

I’ve been too busy with different things – comedy, writing, work, running, volunteering. Things that I love, but things that take time.

On the metro in the mornings I wake my brain with crosswords.

The repetition.

Of synonyms.

Of puns.

I miss the feel of bound paper between my fingers.

At daybreak, my quiet commute, punctuated by the flipflipflip of pages, chapters, worlds.

At nightfall, crisp, cool sheets, and the sweet scent of sleep. My heavy eyelids and my frantic panic to read just one more (just one more) paragraph, before giving in to rest.

I miss this.

So tonight I will not daydream,

I will sit swaddled in blankets, surrounded by text, exploring a distant, but (not-so) long ago land.

And I will feel my fingers burn with envy. With passion. With zeal.

To create.

Break.

Participate.

To write. Read. Believe.

I think Ray Bradbury said it right:

And so to all of you, goodnight.

Safe flight.

Putting on a show

On Wednesday I pulled a King Lear and went for a run in a storm.

(Unlike Lear however, I managed to keep all of my clothes on.)

There really is something to be said for powering through totally crap weather. But then again, there is also something to be said for knowing when to say ENOUGH.

Of course, today is absolutely blooming gorgeous (though still chilly to the bone) so I’m excited to be out and about, actually feeling some of that sunshine on my face.

In other BIG NEWS – yesterday I purchased tickets for this year’s Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

YAY!

This makes me SO EXCITED.

Oh Ashland – I love you with so much of heart that none is left to protest!

This of course means, that the I won’t need to keep running in the rain to get my regular dose of old Willy Shakes. This year we will be seeing King Lear (my absolute favourite tragedy, I CANNOT WAIT), along with Cymbeline and A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

MEEP.

I love this production company SO MUCH it is hard for me to appropriately communicate just how much I am looking forward to this trip.

Much like last year, we will be camping, but unlike last year we will be driving straight to Ashland (with perhaps a stop in Portland because, you know, PUT A BIRD ON IT) and staying the length of our trip in the town.

This will be my fourth time at the festival, (and somehow my third time seeing Midsummer!) and I am basically already bouncing off of the walls just thinking about it.

Because dudes – I LOVE SHAKESPEARE.

Lovelovelove him.

It.

His plays.

(Or what you will.)

See what I did there?

Fry-up time!

Don’t give me that lip.

Currently I am obsessed with red lipstick. If I could only wear one piece of make-up for the rest of my life, it would be my choice.

HANDS DOWN NO CONTEST.

(Although you would probably also have to pry my NARS blush from my cold, dead hands.)

There is just something about a strong lip that makes me feel like a super hero. I like to imagine that when I am getting ready for work in the morning, I am magically transformed from glowering ork to ethereal Galadriel – so terrifying and mesmerizing I am, in all of my splendour.

ONE LIPSTICK TO RULE THEM ALL.

Uh.

Reign it in there lady, reign it in.

But serious, if you were to look in my purse at any given time, I can guarantee that you would find on average three different lip products, of varying degrees of red (I like blue undertones the most – nothing too orangey or brown because GALADRIEL DOESN’T MESS WITH THAT STUFF.)

And I really wouldn’t have it any other way.

Coming attractions.

I love Jean Reno.

Is that weird?

It might be a little weird.

But seeing as though I cannot properly answer this question, if you lovely people could weigh-in, provide your two cents, opine on the subject, etc., etc., it would be much appreciated.

But I really love him.

Like, a lot.

Playing dress-up.

One of my favourite books of all time is The Buddha of Suburbia by Hanif Kureishi. I could wax long and eloquent FOR YEARS about why this is one of the most brilliant and beautiful stories I have ever read – so while that post percolates away in the recesses of my brain, take my word for it when I say that you must read it IMMEDIATELY.

One of the characters Eva is always waltzing about her East London flat in these amazing maxi dresses, so when I saw this piece the other day, my immediate reaction was:

BUY IT! PRETEND TO BE EVA!

BUY IT AND THROW GLAMOUROUS EAST LONDON PARTIES!

I mean, I would probably have to procure some headscarves, and maybe a couple of pairs of over-sized earrings to really pull off the entire ensemble, but I think that owning this dress is definitely a step in the right direction.

I’ll let you know if I take the plunge.

…

So there you have it beauty cats!

Are any of you planning on catching any of the Bard this summer? And what makeup (if any) turns you in a battle prepped warrior?

Do let me know – because after all, we’re in this good fight together.