I can find out no rhyme to ‘lady’ but ‘baby’

I have a question for all of you beautiful people:

Do any of you nutters have kids?

Full disclosure: I am not with child.

I’m just curious that’s all. You see, there is a kid, currently located just outside of my kitchen window, who has been crying and screaming its absolute head off for say, the past fifteen, twenty minutes.

And this is not a baby, we’re talking about here. We are talking a legitimate, walking, talking human being – one who is weeping for all of Canada. He probably has a full set of teeth, takes trips to the loo solo, and can choose his outfits in the morning.

Having listened to him wail on and on for the last little bit, I just want to lean out of my window and holler, “WHAT’S THE PROBLEM KID? THERE’S NO CRYING IN BASEBALL! THERE. IS. NO. CRYING. IN. BASEBALL!!!11!!


You whipper-snappers!

I mean, that’s pretty horrible of me, is it not?

I know.

I am definitely the worst.

And it is reactions of mine – like this one just described – that make me fear for the day (should I be blessed in the properly functioning uterine department) that I become a mother.

I just can’t imagine that scenario working out all too well.

For one, I have zero maternal instinct.

No, minus zero.

I have never, ever, had that “twinge” – when, after having glimpsed some beautiful scene where a glowing mother cuddles here gorgeous offspring – something inside of me says “I want that.”

To be honest, most of the time everything inside my entire being begins screaming, “DO NOT WANT. COMMENCE THROWING UTERUS IN GARBAGE DISPOSAL.”

I mean, sure, there are moments where I concede that it wouldn’t be so bad. In fact, the people I know and love who have kids make it look downright phenomenal. There are tons of great children out there, and seeing how many of the cool cats in my life love their kids is darn cool.

Plus I keep telling myself that I probably wouldn’t feel the same way about my child as I do about many of the random children I come into contact with – that being mostly terror, confusion, and incredulity.

Deep down I know I would definitely love the crap out of them.

But I still worry.

I worry for a number of reasons (above and beyond the fact that I seem to have pawned off my biological clock sometime in the early 90s for two Kitkat bars, some sour keys, and a copy of Kirby’s Dreamland for my Gameboy.)

The first and mayhaps the biggest?

I just don’t get babies.

I made it through about 4 minutes of this movie before turning it off:

Like seriously, people go absolutely bat shit CRAZY over babies. Not only that, but they go bonkers over baby paraphernalia.


It makes me think that babies have some magical power to get you stoned. (Just think about it -marijuana gets you high, and potheads LOVE them some weed leaf stickers, Bob Marley posters, and giant decorative bongs – so I’ve come to the conclusion that it must be the same for those crazed baby-lovers.)

And if it isn’t for their ability to get you high, how else could people possibly care about a tiny pair of socks or a facecloth with a frog on it?


And in terms of the baby itself – I too need this explained. Babies are small, foreign, angry old men or women, hell bent on breaking your ear drums, defecating mustard gas, and peeing all over every square inch of your life.

This is terrifying!

Seriously, their catchphrase could be – “BABIES: POOP GRENADES ONLY NOW WITH MORE POOP.”

And yet people think they are the bees knees.

And don’t tell me it’s because of their new baby smell.

I’ve smelled me some babies in my life and I know for a FACT that it’s not all cake and roses.

I worry that I’ll have a baby, and the baby will all be “I’m a baby SCREAM POOP PEE EAT SLEEP HAHAHAH JUST JOKING I’M NEVER GOING TO SLEEP SCREEEEAAAAAMMMMMM” to which I’ll just be like, “You, sir, are an arsehole, BUH BYE.”

I worry that I’ll have the baby, and the baby will all be, “BABY” and I’ll be like, “That’s all you got? Where the frick is the rest!? I JUST SPENT NINE MONTHS MAKING YOU – ENTERTAIN ME SPAWN!!!”

I worry that I will be the worst mother ever.

The first baby I ever held. I was sweating like crazy I was so nervous.

So what I guess I’m saying is that I worry.

I worry that I’ll give my kid the eating disorder that I struggled with for years; that I’ll give them the anxiety that I deal with on a daily basis; that I’ll make them think they need make-up to be beautiful because I too like to wear make-up; that I’ll drop them on their head the second I get home.

I worry about the unknown – what about my job? What about my relationship?

What about my body?

I worry about worrying about my body.

But throughout it all, I have one ace in the hole that makes all of these questions seem not quite so daunting.

That one person who makes me worry just a little less.

And that, of course, is Mr. M.

My freaking knight in shining armour.

Because somehow (and I have no idea how) he doesn’t have any of these doubts. He just knows. He has confidence in not only himself, but in me, and it is through him that I have started to believe, little by little, that one day, if this happens, it will be just grand.

And while I’m not necessarily at the same level of belief that he cooly-as-a-cucumber maintains, I have the belief that I will get there, eventually.

Because when I see him with children? That’s when I feel something flicker.

I imagine him and I giving piggybacks, and leaping through sprinklers; teaching small, wild haired munchkins about tidal pools and earthworms, making mud pies, and reading storybooks by flashlight.

And it gives me pause.

But who knows – maybe one day all of what I currently feel about myself, and my relationship with my yet-to-be-born babies will change. I will wake up, flick on the internet and order the newest poo grenade and pay extra for the express shipping.

But until that day, my questions remain.

As does my love.

Unlike, thank goodness, the echoes of the crying child, outside of my window.

Which means that he too, is happy.

Published by

Vanessa Woznow

Writer, runner, ranter, reader. I write about all things.

37 thoughts on “I can find out no rhyme to ‘lady’ but ‘baby’”

  1. I oscillate between really wanting babies (someday) and resisting the urge to yell at children who are misbehaving in public to shut up, sit down and be polite. I actually had a dream about doing this last night. My biggest fear is my lack of patience.

    I completely understand and commiserate with regard to your worry about passing along certain unsavory proclivities. I worried about this, too, until I realized that in having transcended these issues I am well-equipped to help my offspring tackle these obstacles, too. You’ve not only taken the class, you’ve aced the exam.

    1. I think everybody has that dream! It’s a totally understandable and normal reaction.

      Your second point really strikes a chord – wise words, truly. Thanks for this comment!

  2. As you probably have seen before, I am the proud dad of a three and a half year old. Parenting is amazing, stressful, tiring, fun, and almost every emotion wrapped into one on-going experience. It is weird because though you have a child of your own does not automatically make you love every other kid. I, for the most part, can’t stand other kids, their screaming and wailing grates on my nerves. But I love my daughter more than anything else. You get this strange feeling of seeing this little being as part of you and the unconditional love is there from the moment they are born.

    That isn’t to say that there aren’t many times you wish they would stop crying, whining, or just give you a moment of peace. But it is all worth it. My best advice is to not read any books on the subject of parenting. Sure you can get some good info here and there, but honestly you just learn as you go along.

    1. This is such a great comment – seriously, it is rad cats like yourself, and having the chance to ready more about your experiences and perspectives that life me up.

      Plus it is heartening to know that other people feel the same way about crying children as I do!

  3. Yes, yes, yes! I feel exactly the same way when confronted with the idea of babies… and let’s not get me started on the panic of trying to figure our how to hold them. I am already channeling my inner old lady who yells at kids to get off the lawn. There’s always a possibly, maybe for me when I think of kids, mostly because my one-and-only is the most supportive person ever and puts up with a lot of my worries about motherhood and my lack of motherly glow, but the idea terrifies me on most days. Plus, it always makes my boss laugh when he tells me there are children in the library and I cringe. Not a good sign.

    1. The holding them thing is the absolute worst! I break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. And then I over think it once I take hold of them. Are they comfortable? Am I supporting their neck enough!?

      And I totally understand your last comment! Anytime a coworker of mine brings in their kid I’m just like…”ummm….COOL BABY!” And then I go to the bathroom for the remainder of their visit. (Or just slink away…)

  4. When I was 35 and single, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married or have children. And then I thought about the life I had in front of me. What was in it? When I factored in not having either of these things, especially children, that life seemed pretty empty. And then I couldn’t imagine NOT having them.

    I didn’t get married until I was 37, got pregnant after only 5 months of trying at the age of 38 and I became a mom at 39.

    It’s definitely a huge adjustment. I had a lot of “me” time before Chloe came along. And no doubt, the first year is rough. There’s a lot of change and lot to get used to. But it’s really cool. And now I really want another one. I would just really like a sibling for Chloe… someone for her to grow up with. We’ll see. I’m 41 and my husband will be 50 this year. If it’s supposed to happen it will happen…

    You’re young. You have some time yet. But don’t worry too much. Worrying is just you wasting energy on what may or may not be. When a situation arises, you’ll figure it out.

    And that crying kid? I think before I had kids I would have felt the same way: STFU already!!! But now… well… when I see a kid having a tantrum, I feel for the parents. Because I know… if my kid wants to go bonkers, there’s little I can do about it. Sometimes they just need to get “it” out of their system. When they’re little they don’t communicate well and they get frustrated easily. They don’t understand why they have to stop playing in the park and get into the car and go home or that they need a nap or {INSERT SITUATION HERE}.

    1. You are completely correct – I shouldn’t worry (and for the most part I don’t wreck myself, they are just niggling little things at the back of my mind) and just let myself go with the flow. :)

      This was such an awesome comment to read – thank you so much for sharing part of your story! And I will totally remember your last paragraph when that day comes and my little one is screaming for all of Canada. (But the fact remains – there will be no crying in baseball.)

      1. When you want to say “There’s no crying in baseball!” just remember — we all, as adults, sometimes get frustrated or emotional for what seems like no reason… and it sometimes takes a little reflection to figure out what it is that is making us frustrated or emotional. We’re not that different from the little ones. We’re just taller and have better hand-eye coordination. Mostly. =)

        1. I totally agree with everything that you are (very eloquently must I add) saying. The baseball line is just my favourite quote from A League of Their Own – so just a joke, I’m all for crying in baseball if the need is there!

          1. I know Eth! I know. I love that movie too. It’s a good line and it can be used for a good many situations! I was just remembering some of your posts where you talked about being overcome by emotions… and your husband being concerned.

          2. I know Eth! I know. I love that movie too. It’s a good line and it can be used for a good many situations! I was just remembering some of your posts where you talked about being overcome by emotions… and your husband being concerned. LOL just wait until you read my next CN&E post…!

  5. Don’t have children of my own, and in fact I feel like I could have just as easily said the exact same thing as you in this blog. In fact, it’s all the same right down to my husband being the confident baby-loving sunuvagun. Also, I have a theory that even if you do have children of your own and love them and treat them well, you will still have mountainous surges of anger at other people’s badly behaved children. Just a theory.

    1. I believe that theory will hold strong when I have my own kidlets! I can’t imagine that level of irateness going away just because I’ve pushed a human baby through my birth canal.

      Thanks so much of the awesome (and hilarious!) comment!

  6. HAHAHA! I don’t have children yet, but my biological clock sounding off like crazy ever since reaching my late twenties. Yes, the “biological clock” really exists, and it’s wild.
    I love your baby paraphernalia comparison. I, for one, simply love anything that comes tinier than usual, including condiments and toiletries.

  7. Omg! I feel like you broke into my brain and stole my thoughts, beliefs and feelings about this topic! Amazing job expressing this! :)

  8. it’s like the comforting LARGE LETTERS (in ORANGE, i think) on the cover of the Hitch-hiker’s guide 2 the galaxxxeee ==> DON’T PANIC!
    don’t worry, i say. really. the whirled hazzz too many kids, ‘n peepull, ‘n peepull pollooshun. i suspect (or ‘feel’ — how can i “feel” if, axually, “i” am but some elektawnik responses frum yore very own compeeyootr?) … anyweigh, i feel yer normal, in whatever offbeat way “normal” is allowed to flow out of the main river into and onto the delta and into, eventually the sea.
    where wuzz i goin’ with that?
    yeah, you know: i had kids. still do. the “raising” phase doesn’t last forever (in geologic time). i think my daughter knew at age 5 or 6 that her parents were, basically, still kids, and many (many) people said that she kind of had to ‘grow up’ early. trouble was, our son was a kid like us.
    but that SKREEEEMING stuff you were describing? THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW — besides some parent has let their dog off the leash and it’s misbehaving badly. i wouldn’t have responded as nice as you were considering. i think a water cannon would be a very appropriate response. do you have access to one? keep it nearby…
    and i (we) have a grandson, and, darn it, it’s kind of like what you were pondering (parents “high on the baby drug”) — all over again. so far i haven’t had to change diapers, so i can’t really comment at length.
    if i had more time and patience … you’ll be glad to know i’m gonna stop, soon.
    however, the re-living one’s life vicariously, thru’ the kids — THAT can be a big reward. case in point: (sorry, i promised, (fingers crossed) i’d stop soon?)
    the point: in high school i was a mediocre wanna-be track/CC runner, did okay but NOT a state-recognized force. being skinny, i enjoyed tossing the discus but THAT was never going to be an option. and so … my daughter right when she first stepped onto the field and track, was a state-ranked runner. she was second at state twice in “my” signature event (800m). and sonny-boy was 6th at state … in the discus.

    1. Love, love the Hitchhiker’s reference! This will now and forever be my kid motto. And yes, there should be a law. Especially on public transit!

      Lovely to hear about your grandson – have you taken him out exploring in the beautiful Colorado wilderness?

      That must be amazing to see your children excel at pursuits that you also loved, to really see “you” in the “them.” That’s the same way with my dad and running – and in many other things (with both him and my mom.)

      Thanks for the great comment and insight!

  9. I knew we were blog friends for a reason.

    No children here for this laurathewriter, and none are in the plans. I share your uncomfortable baby feelings, and am quite comfortable in that discomfort. I used to want kids. But that was also when I was in highschool, a very Christian, conservative place where women were encouraged to find a husband and settle down, because your job is to raise the babies and make a home for your husband, missy!

    But then I went to college. And met new people. And developed new ideas and thoughts. And I realized that babies aren’t for me. I also realized that, like you, I have no mothering instinct. Children cry? I leave immediately. Tiny socks and shoes? No squeal of cuteness. Someone brings their baby to a party (happened to me last month)? I go into the other room with my book and sit and read.

    I’m also slightly frightened that, if I decide to be a mommy, that I’ll be like those mothers you see on TV, that decide to procreate but find themselves unable to love the child. Perhaps a silly fear, but a fear nonetheless. As much as I dislike the idea, everyone deserves a happy childhood, and if there’s a chance I couldn’t give that to a baby then I have no business having one.

    I’ll leave with a funny story. My grandparents and mom moved to Atlanta in the 60’s, when my mom was about 8; their house was one of the first built in the neighborhood. My mom was playing in the yard one day when she heard a voice from next door. “LITTLE GIRL. LITTLE GIRL!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT YARD? YOU’D BETTER NOT BE CAUSING TROUBLE! LITTLE GIRL!” Scared my mom half to death and she didn’t want to play outside for a few weeks after that. I feel as though I’d be that same grumpy old woman, shouting at children who happen to play near my yard. It makes me giggle. :)

    1. That story is amazing! And also a little terrifying…like something out of a Roald Dahl story. Illustrated by Edward Gorey!

      I hope that if/when I become a mom, I’m like Angelica Houston in the Royal Tenenbaums. Or Mrs. March in Little Women.

      It’s taken me a long time to reconcile my feminist beliefs with the idea of having children. I feel as though for a long time it was instilled in me that the desire to have children was somehow inherently “unfeminist” – and I’m still working on moving past this. The fact that it is my husband who will be taking time off to look after the kids helps with this :)

      Thanks for the great note Ms L!

  10. Don’t worry. I am even less maternal than you are, and the baby continues to thrive. He is surprisingly resilient. But if you figure out how to detach your uterus, I would like to know. It’s cramping my style.

  11. I’m right there with you on most of this! It’s frickin’ scary. You’ve broken it down quite perfectly – the fears, the concerns, the poop, the sleeplessness, and the life change. Having kids is a big deal and should be taken seriously.

    I have no desire to have kids. Namely because I’m terrified of having the responsibility of raising an intelligent, thoughtful, and responsible human being. Pointedly, I don’t want to screw up some poor sweet little person by being a crap parent.

    And another thing that worries me is that this world we live in really isn’t a place for raising children, funny as that sounds. I don’t want to see a darling daughter of mine get her heart broken, a playful son grow up and have to trek off to war because others must be fought for. It’s those kinds of things that scare me away from wanting to have kids, even though I love hanging out with the kids that come into my life.

    Thanks for sharing your heart on this one, lady! It’s honest and really thought-provoking. I agree with M that you’ll make a fantastic mother when the time comes. :) You’ve got the heart for it, that’s for sure!

    1. It is so heartening to read about other people – in particular other women who feel the same way! All of that which you write about is bang on to how I feel. Seriously, I can’t even count the amount of times I have said “I cannot EVER bring kids into this horrible world!” But then I think about how important it is to also bring love and life into the world, along with new people who will work to change this status quo…

      Phew. SO many things to thing about!

      Thank you so much for the lovely words. I would be completely remiss if I didn’t say to you that I know that should you ever chose to be a mother you will be brilliant, loving, extraordinary parent. Of this I have no doubt at all!

    1. I’m totally of the belief that we need more open dialogue on the subject! I feel like it will help us get to a point where no woman (or man) need defend or apologize for their choices.

  12. Well I must say, I’m glad that it isn’t just me. Babies weird me out- alot. If a baby is trying to act cute in public with their parent who looks at me with a smile- I feel my face cracking with the pressure of a fake smile. It also doesn’t help that many people I know from my hometown started procreating quite early, in waves I might add. Some of them have three children already. My mum had a chuckle one day in the supermarket when someone I hadn’t seen for ages was carrying a little girl. “Oh- is that yours?” I asked as he went on to describe the age, name, etc. Afterwards mum thought I was so funny with my fake enthusiasm that was oh so noticeable since I called their little bundle of joy ‘that’. Well excuse me for not knowing how to address someones child. Her highness? “Is Her Highness yours?” “That she is, my fine chap.” “I’m not a man but thank you all the same. Simply smashing. Do have a grand day now.”

    Anyway, I guess if you aren’t ready for that part of your life- this is how we are supposed to know. You can see a drooling baby and go “ew!” instead of “aww”. I actually went to a baby shower last weekend (my first and a very close friends) and it surprised me how many people are OTT excitied about babies and nappies and little animal hood towels (they were kinda cool but only ’cause I want an adult sized one) and sloppy baby food.

    I’m sure one day I’ll look back and this will seem so silly. But right now? No screaming, stinky, tiny boys and girls for me.

    1. “Her highness” LOL. That’s the best! Another thing that drives me absolutely batty are the peep who overload their facebook with photos or videos of their kid. It’s like – ENOUGH. STOP. No one cares BUT you so please leave it alone. Jeeze, I feel like I’ve had to block half of my cousins/older acquaintances because I just don’t give a care about how often their kid uses the toilet.

      I promise on my LIFE that I will not be that kind of mother – no way no how. I am not losing my identity into the murky depths of motherhood.

      You totally have an ally in me sister!

      1. Good to hear! I tell myself everytime I see those awkward facebook posts about children (who all look the same to me anyway)- ‘I will NEVER be like that’.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s