Put your hands on my body

“Use up the rest of your benefits,” they said.

“Go and get a massage,” they said.

And get a massage I did.


It’s not that I didn’t enjoy the one hour I lay prone on that table as a very kind, and incredibly petite woman lay waste to my internal organs.

I mean, who doesn’t LOVE a good deep-tissue muscle scrub? Am I right or what?

Massage are great!

They’re GREAT! (Also, look at my giant hand!)

Seriously, there is no question at all about that.

But, let’s not pretend that the best ones don’t hurt like heck, and as such, force you to perform your yoga-breathing for the entire sixty or so minutes that you’re engaged in one.

I went to my local RMT this afternoon because I’ve been having some tightness in my shoulders and upper back. I haven’t been running as much these days, what with the sun setting at 2:15 in the afternoon, and temperatures hovering around -1 degree centigrade, so instead, I’ve been doing quite a bit of body resistance work and strength training.

This is great, because I can now do sixty push-ups relatively easily during one workout (but not in a row alas. At least not yet. However, my plan is to be Linda Hamilton circa T-2 by the time I do Tough Mudder next June.)

This is not great because it leaves me very sore.

And to combat this soreness I go and get massages that just make me even more sore. (Sorer? Sauron?)

Ahem. Moving forward.

While I was getting massaged today, I started thinking about all the good things and all the bad things about the process, and because I was having so much fun mulling over these things in my head, I decided it was high time to dust off this old, but always popular, Rant and Roll chestnut:


Things I love about getting massaged:

The lead-up to the actual act. How great is it telling others that this coming Friday afternoon you have an appointment with an RMT?


People are always so darned excited for you, and then they’ll say something like “I should totally get one too!” And then you’re all “OMG YOU TOTALLY SHOULD” and then your friendship is bonded even harder over your shared love of upcoming massage visits.

Things I loathe about getting massaged:

That weird minute or so when you’re in the room with your massage therapist, and they’re all asking what you want worked on, but it’s awkward because you’re thinking about taking your clothes off, and you’re also kind of like, “IS THIS CUTTING IN MY ONE HOUR LADY? BECAUSE I PAID FOR AN HOUR!” and then once they’re gone you get undressed (always vaguely alarmed that there just might be hidden cameras) and then you lie there for what seems like forever until they knock on the door and you’re all “YES!” in a voice that is much, MUCH too enthusiastic.

Things I love about getting massaged:

Those moments after they’ve absolutely massaged the crap out of one spot on your body (so much so that you briefly think you’re going to pass out from the pain) and then they just rub lightly in circles around that point and everything in the world feels like it’s right again, and you also think you might be a superhuman because of your insanely high pain tolerance and would you exist in the Marvel or DC universe?

Things I loathe about getting massaged:

I am a competitive bastard, and I hate the thought of losing at ANYTHING. As such, whenever an RMT asks me if the pressure is too much, I cannot bring myself to say yes, despite the fact that I’m pretty sure that I can feel her fingers inside of my kidney(s).

I just keep deep breathing and telling myself that “this too shall pass” while the pain in my head hollers indiscriminately “HAHAHAH! NEVER. YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!”

Good grief.

One day I will be mature enough to say “less pressure please!”, but until that day, I suffer in silence.

In silence!

Things I love about getting massaged:


All hail the rest of the day following the massage.

Seriously, I feel like I’m floating on air.

Add to this a piping hot shower, a lovely comfortable outfit, a good book and a glass of tea?


If the insane pain of the actual massage didn’t manage to kill me, this definitely will.

I am definitely dead by how fantastic I feel having come out the other side.

And it’s because of this that I will never, ever stop getting massaged.

Whether I mature, or not.

(Or not.)

Published by

Vanessa Woznow

Writer, runner, ranter, reader. I write about all things.

12 thoughts on “Put your hands on my body”

    1. I feel like I have done you a disservice! Definitely, definitely go for it – just be a better person and I and know when to draw the line when it comes to the amount of pressure the RMT uses.

      And then let me know how you feel afterwards – I promise it will be worth it! :)

  1. “Sauron” made me LOL!

    I have never had a massage. Not because I couldn’t benefit from one, but because I cannot imagine the actual act of a stranger man (or woman) handling me, LOL! I cannot imagine that this would, in any way, be “relaxing”. (Plus, who needs a giant hand?)

    Of late, my neck and my shoulders are KILLING me — partly because I am old and tired, partly because I need a new bed, and partly because this is where I “carry” my stress, so a massage would be nice. But, it won’t happen. Because I’m a baby!

    Have a nice Christmas! (Maybe you’ll get a massage certificate!)

    1. I certainly did not do a good jobs of introducing you to the amazing world of massage therapy! I feel quite bad about this actually…Can I have a redo? I really think that you should give it a go – it really will make you see like a million bucks! Especially if you are having some pain in your neck and shoulders.

      DOOOOOO IT! And then blog about it! I will read it in a second!

  2. i have. and. the painful deep probing pressure-point (sometimes one masseuse in particular would not ask BUT TELL me to think specific thoughts (e.g., think about your mother!) and i was not only sore the rest of the day, but afterwards. Betty, on the other hand, or foot, claims to like the painful ones. i like pleasant back rubbings? is that a thing of the past? is it bad for you? do people get negative karmic points for enjoying that? probably.

    1. Hahaha!! Are you serious? That is the best! I suppose I will think about my least favourite college professor…

      I often think that RMTs are sadists…I think you are onto something!!

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