Baby when the lights go out

Hi friends!

Did you all celebrate earth hour this past Saturday?

We managed to do some major tea light damage over the course of the evening.

Mr. M, crossword ninja.

Seriously, we had many, many candles aflame throughout the living room, and those tiny bright lights brought quite the kind glow to our little home; all in all it was truly a lovely way of passing the night, all bundled up in blankets, and crouched over our crossword.

Though I would be lying if I said there weren’t a couple of close calls, what with just how many tea lights we had going at our peak burnage, and, well, you know, the innate flammable quality of newsprint.

Ahem.

Nymeria pays no mind! She is a ninja cat.

Factor in that we couldn’t really see all that well, (and had to hold the flames pretty close to the clue boxes to make sure we could actually read what they said) and it’s pretty darn commendable that we weren’t consumed by an inferno of our own making.

We even got the chance to do a little story telling.

Here’s a taster of something we’re up to (on our gosh-darn, no-good end):

The city feels old. 

My glasses are scratched but even from way up here, I can barely make out the mason jar skyline.  There is too much dirty glass, cut against the rusting sunset, which bleeds into the eastern coast’s rushing waves.  I watch as they bury the dead – two thousand grayhairs – beneath a concrete blanket, their mouths hang open, as if they simply lie there, suspended in mid-breath.  I think of how cold it must be beneath the streets.  Their wedding rings will wash down the gutters, along with the soft silt that used to stick to the corners of their eyes, rubbed away with the early mornings they’ve now left behind.  Tonight the wind blows in from the west, and I move from my balcony back into the apartment. 

It’s Curfew.

Everything smells of mold and mothballs.  I pick up the rough spun blanket, folded on the floor and wrap it around my body.  The electric thrum coming from Maggi’s apartment makes my heart quiver – it feels sticky and unsatisfied, suspended inside me. 

It too feels old. 

The kettle jumps on the stove.  I wanted to make tea, but all I have is chickaree root, so heavy on the tongue and stomach.

“I want some tea babe.” Tom turns to me and cracks his neck. 

“Yeah. Me too.”  I walk over and turn off the element.

“Money, money, money,” he mutters, rolling his shoulders clockwise, and then counter.

I walk over to his chair, unwrap myself from the blanket, and lay it over the length of his body.  With it tucked up around his chin, he looks like the men in all my fathers’ photos from his days at the barbershop. 

“I wonder what beards felt like,” I mutter. Tom doesn’t say anything, knowing that I’m talking to myself.  “I’d like to think they felt like velvet – or a freshly brushed cat.”

I reach out and trace the outline of his cheekbone, so smooth it’s almost raw. 

“Hey now, whatcha doing?” He looks up at me.

I stop. 

“Nothing.”

“You’ve got this really sad look in your eyes.  Like you’ll never know the taste of tea ever again.” He trails off.

“Shut up,” I say.  “I don’t care about the tea.”

“Goodbye sweet pekoe!  I hardly knew your sweet, sweet taste!”  Tom reaches behind and tickles my ribs. 

“Don’t be a jerk!”  I swat at his bruised fingers but still, his hands are strong, and he takes hold of my waist and lifts me into his lap.  I take his hands in mine, and instinctively peel back the hardened strip of skin atop his left hand.  I probe at his panel, and its sickly tangerine glow, such a stark contrast to the coal of his skin. 

“You need to get this checked out.  It’s looking really infected.”

“Nah.  It’s fine.” Tom again rolls his shoulders and rustles his arms further, tighter, around my body.  “I told you already, there’s nothing to worry about.”

I lean forward.  He tightens his grip. I can feel his abdominals contracting against the center of my back.

“What has it been?”  I whisper. “Six months?”

Tom pushes me off of him.  “I don’t want to deal with this right now.”  He stands and walks away into the kitchen. 

I follow him in and start to put away the dishes from drying rack.  The compost steams to the left of my knee. 

“The company’s the one that paid for it in the first place! Right?” I ask, knowing that I’m right. “It can’t be that big of a deal!”

I look at his back, turned to me and trace the outlines of his shoulder blades with my fingers, flexing against each of his movements.

“You’re a superintendent.  They’ve got to understand this!”

Tom pulls away and begins to poke around the icebox, pretending to look for something.  There is nothing but freeze dried fruit and some black bread. 

I follow him.  I know I should drop it, but my tongue keeps pushing words to the front of my mouth, that no matter how hard I try, they won’t stop falling out.

“It smells infected, it looks infected.  Seriously, if you’re not going to do anything – ”

Tom turns around, brandishing a thick sack of frozen peas. 

 He presses the bag on top of his hand.  I can hear the sizzle of the heat making contact with the cold plastic.  He draws in a deep breath, his eyes bulging, teeth clenching. 

“There.  Happy?”

I come up behind him and slam the icebox shut.  I grab the now almost completely defrosted peas from his hands and flail it about, dramatically.  “Well that seems healthy, now doesn’t it?  A kilo bag defrosted in what, five seconds?  Astounding!  I throw the plastic into the sink.  “I don’t know about you, but I think a jobsite losing their head operator might not go over so well for the company!  So yeah. I’m ecstatic!”

Once I give it a bit more work, and get a little braver, I’ll post a little more.

But in the mean time, here are some things that I bloody-well love:

Heritage walks around New West:

Gotta love me some history.

Good eats:

Burger Heaven. Nuff said.

And pretty treats:

10 dollar cords! A yellow purse! SUNDRESS!

So that’s all she wrote kids.

Enjoy the start to your week, aannnnddd – DANCE! p.s. I’ve entered the twitterverse. Follow me @ethelthedean YAY!

Top tips to get you asked out by teenagers

I’m a twenty-seven year old gal who’s had more teenagers (or those freshly out of their teens) ask her out in the past six years years than, well, the entire time I spent as a teenager.

Now, in the sake of full disclosure, I was a pretty unfortunate looking person for a good chunk of my adolescent years – but even after I got hot as hell, I was still the one making the first move at the beginning of my relationships.

(This, I’m sure, is because people were so amazed by my overall transformation, that they were unsure as to whether or not I was the same person they used to know.)

I kid.

Kind of.

For serious, had I not had ovaries the size of basketballs, I would still be languishing in a sea of unrequited crushes, being tossed about by white-capped waves of sexual frustration.

I was a champ at asking people out (the two times I did it.)

Now, since I wrote earlier this week about how a twenty year old boy asked me out on skytrain last Saturday night, I’ve had quite a few friends ask me what exactly it is that I am doing to have this be a semi-regular occurrence in my life.

I didn’t have a coherent, non-self-deprecating answer at the ready, so over the past few days I’ve given this query some thought, and think I may come up with a probable (but perhaps totally erroneous)  hypothesis.

However, in the spirit of science, I’m forging ahead.

Ladies and gentleman, (but really ladies, because, well, I am one of you) may I present: 

Top tips to get you asked out by teenagers*.

*or those in their early twenties.

1.)    Ride public transit. Ride public transit all the live long day. Not once or twice a week – we’re talking multiple times a day here (and weekends too). Teenagers, for the most part, don’t have a ton of money, so if they need to go anywhere, they take the bus, or the skytrain, or subway, or streetcar, or what have you.

Duh, duh, duh, another rides the bus...

I ride transit all the damn time, so it’s inevitable that I’ll find myself sitting next to someone whom I could have babysat ten years ago, had I not  instead chosen the high school career of Safeway cashier. And because of this inevitability, it is in fact unavoidable that at some point one of them will strike up a conversation with me, and before I know it – BAM!

They want to take you me out to coffee (at bloody 7:45 in the morning.)

2.)    Wear quite a bit of colourful clothing. I notice more and more just how varied in hue and tone my wardrobe is compared to most of the other people who work down town. When I exit the train every morning, and the station is flooded by a stream of black, grey and brown, I am the bright red life boat, carried along by the push and pull of the tide.

1 coat, 2 coat, red coat...

I don’t necessary think that it’s my clothing per say that’s getting me asked out, but since I’m not afraid to experiment with, and wear a ton of colour – in addition to taking different risks with my outfits (wearing traditional mens clothing, and mixing formal with casual pieces) – my style seems to attract a younger demographic.

Teenagers in general like to make comment on my choice in clothing and, or colour palette.

Animal print and stripes.

Then they want to take me out to coffee to talk more about my fashion sense.

3.)    Read science fiction and/or fantasy books. My only caveat being – please, please for the love of pete, read good science fiction and/ or fantasy. None of this Sword of Truth/Sword of Shannara bullshazzle.

That will get you disqualified right out of the gate.

(However you’ll gain ten points if you read your sci-fi books on the bus.)

But to get back on topic: teenagers always want to talk me up about the books that I’m reading, but particularly if they are of these two genres. They want to talk to me about A Song of Ice and Fire (even back before it got all HBO-ed and coolified); they want to talk to me about Terry Pratchett; they want to talk to me about Richard Matheson. (Okay, so that last one’s more horror that anything else, but we’ll have to let that slide.)

Even Mr. Penguin wants to talk about Game of Thrones.

They want to talk to me about books and then take me out to coffee to talk about books some more.

4.)    Laugh to yourself. Whether you’re walking down the street, riding transit (seriously, RIDE IT!), sitting in a coffee shop, or waiting in line at the grocery store, be so completely lost in your own thoughts that you bust up your own gut like a busting thing.

I love to laugh. ALL THE TIME.

Older people will think your completely bonkers (and rightfully so) but teenagers want to know what’s so funny.

And they’ll want to take you out for coffee.

5.)    Quote the crap out of movies and TV shows. I was on transit once (did I mention that you should probably ride transit?), talking on my mobile, TO MY HUSBAND when I said, “that’s, just like, uh, your opinion…man” and the fella sitting to my right, spoke up literally, the second that I  hung up, wanting to talk more about the Big Lebowski (aka re-enact the whole movie for the remainder of our ride.)

And then he wanted to go to a coffee shop, to re-enact our re-enactment – just in case we missed a part!

Yowzers.

He was pretty surprised when I declined, citing the fact that I was, you know, a married woman.

Which brings me to my last point:

6.)    Wear a wedding ring. First, teenagers don’t look for wedding rings, so they are basically a moot point. Second, the longer I remain married, the more teenagers ask me out. And third, most of the teenagers who’ve asked me out haven’t cared when I told them that I am forever removed from the dating scene.

Ring around the rosie...

They all want to convince me of the reasons why I should no longer be married.

Over coffee, of course.

So there you have it ladies – six, very simple tips on how to increase the number of your youthful suitors.

But, let me finish off by saying this. Don’t wait around for someone else to make the first move. If you like somebody, go-go-gopher it.

It’s always better to know, and heck, if they like you back? Well, there’s no better feeling in the world.

Seriously, I’ll tell you more about it.

Tea anyone?

Down in London town, I’m dancing by myself

Hi Friends!

Well, it’s all come to pass.

We have a sparkling, new, beautiful shower, and I managed to successfully attend a concert for the first time whilst flying solo.

Kaiser Chiefs are top-notch groovemeisters, so I pretty much just showed up, danced like a mad woman for an hour and a half, and then hit the road.

Oh my god, I can't believe it.

(The four glasses of wine I consumed before heading downtown may have had something to do with how easy the whole thing seemed. I’m normally a two-glass max kind of gal, so take this as you will.)

The one thing I will say was that I was a little bummed out about the fact that they hardly played any of their new material (or really anything from their catalogue post-2008.)

I've never been this far away from home.

They have so many fab songs other that those featured on Yours Truly – Angry Mob and I had been eager for the chance to hear them live.

For instance, I was gutted that they didn’t play Man on Mars, a tune that I have been pretty much listening to on repeat for the last two weeks. Seriously, it’s the first thing that finally managed to knock The Decembrist’s Calamity Song off of my top jam list.

Ch-ch-check it:

Ricky Wilson told the audience that Vancouver was their last stop on their tour, so they were probably pretty exhausted and burnt out and didn’t want to take on anything too taxing.

But overall, I must say I had a great time period, and there is always something to be said about going to a concert where you (and every other person in attendance) knows every lyric to every song that is played.

I’d give it a solid 8 out of 10 cats.

Ju-on girl dancing her heart out!

On my way home, sitting on the metro, I was trying to concentrate on anything other than the dull ringing in my ears, when a very young man sat down next to me.

The fellow was just a little too eager to strike up a conversation, so my spidey senses immediately started tingling.

Because I am a crazy weirdo, I did what I am often do in awkward situations – make them even more awkward (this time by speaking in a really terrible accent.)

This is hilarious to me, but probably insanely disconcerting to the other parties involved.

If I could muster up the appropriate amount of compunction I would, but then I always ask myself, what’s life without a little flare? A little intrigue?

So, egging myself on, I sometimes try out mein deutsche, and other times moya ruski.

This time I was from jolly old England.

Bah.

[adjusts monocle.]

Unfortunately, the dude was totally undeterred.

Even after I told him I was seven years older than him, he still asked me out.

Youth these days, I tell ya.

Either deliver my paper on time or get off my lawn!

I will give him props for gumption and guts, but needless to say, I will not be seeing him again.

(Until my next late night train ride, goodness knows.)

The next morning, I was moving a little slower than usual, due to the after effects of my solo dance party, finishing the bathroom, and the eleven kilometre run Mr. M and I completed during the previous day’s afternoon.

I figured the best thing to cure my Sunday sluggishness, was homemade crepes with fresh fruit, nutella, walnuts, whipped cream, and tea, devoured on our porch, basking in the warmth of the (long lost, and now finally found) sun’s rays.

Yum.

Edit: for one bloody day at least! It just makes me want to yell out: Come on Biscuit you can do it!!!

Erm.

I mean spring!

Come on spring, you can do it!

But at the time, it was, for lack of a more poetic descriptor, absolute bliss.

Bliss!

Then, M and I tore about our place, vacuuming like a vacuuming things, dusting, washing, scrubbing – wiping away all the dust that had accumulated over the course of our reno, encrusted in our corners and nestled in all the often missed nooks and crannies.

Seriously, nothing is as good as clean feels.

A friend of mine remarked, after reading my post from last Friday, that I would probably pick up a ton more traffic to my blog if I posted photos of myself doing mad cleaning in my underwear.

I’m not going to lie – I briefly considered this as I tore about our place, but in the end I decided it just wasn’t worth it.

That, like my English accent, should not be encouraged.

Not without copious amounts of wine, anyway.

Isn’t that right, guvnah?

I predict a riot

Today I arrived home from work and M asked me to help him clean out the shower’s grout lines.

Now if that isn’t sexy talk than I don’t know what is.

No?

Not sexy?

Well then. Colour me surprised.

Anywho, I wasn’t about to say no, seeing as how he’s done such a bang up job with the overall project, but I wasn’t exactly keen on the thought of grout retraction – I had a long day (and equally long week) and I was wearing one of my favourite “spring” work outfits and I didn’t want to muck it all up.

Although my overall tip top impression of my get-up took a bit of a hit when, after remarking that he liked my hair style, M told me that I was reminding him of “you know…that character from Kids in the Hall…you know the one. The one with the ponytail.”

Erm.

It’s unfortunate to say, dear readers, but I do know the one.

And it’s not good.

Not good at all.

For those of you who aren’t acquainted with Darill, please consult the below video:

Not exactly the apex of coolness.

Not exactly the look I was going for. But thanks for playing “man for whom I’ve pledged my troth for the rest of my life”!

Egads. Can’t a girl catch a break?

So after I told M that I don’t know where my self-esteem would be without such positive reinforcement on his part, I sucked up my pride, and stripped down to my unmentionables, and got down to business.

ON REMOVING THE GROUT! Get your minds out of the gutter!

Don’t think I don’t see you over there, you with your head circling that sewer drain!

Seriously though – I won’t go into much depth on the subject, but suffice to say, I absolutely love doing household chores in my undies.

Like, LOVE it.

(My neighbours I’m sure think I’m bloody bonkers, so I always close all the blinds before doing a really big clean. Then I proceed to skulk around my darkened home, brandishing cleaning supplies, vacuums, mops, and garbage bags.)

I worry that I just a couple steps away from becoming a Matthew Good music video here folks.

Anyway, I’m getting dreadfully off topic here.

What I found interesting about the process of working in the bathroom, was how  just the simple, repetitive motion of removing all that clay was actually a really good exercise in winding down, and of letting the events of the week go.

Clear out the grout – clear out your head.

(I won’t lie, knowing just how stellar the finished project is going to be was also a solid motivator for not only doing the work, but doing it well.)

Almost there. We just need to grout the tile, but it looks sooooo pretty!

So now that’s it’s done, I’m able to do what I was hoping to do as soon as I arrived home – put on some of M’s old clothes, chillax to the max, and eat all the junk I bought earlier on in the day.

That’s right folks: chocolate covered marshmallows. WITH SPRINKLES!!!

NOM.

Amen.

As a brief postscript to this post, can I just wax eloquent (briefly I assure you) on two things?

The first is how the television show NUMBERS is so uncomprehendingly awful. And Mr. M LOVES to watch it, despite the fact that he too cannot stand anything about the program.

It’s almost as if he’s developed some crazy perverse, car crash fascination with the whole show.

I, on the other hand, I cannot understand how anyone can watch it, perversity or not. The writing is so bad it drives me absolutely batty.

But then again, I’ve been known to watch some pretty polarizing programs myself, so who am I really to judge?

Hmmm.

Nah, I’ll still judge.

The second is that I am finally getting the chance to see one of my all-time favourite bands on Saturday night.

I’ve got a date with the Kaiser Chiefs, and I am getting my mad dance skills prepped for a night of top grooving.

The only cricket in my soup bowl is that I am going to be going solo.

Have any of you gone to a concert by yourself before? If yes, let me know, and send along any tips you may have.

I’m really not so fussed, but still a little nervous.

If it gets really bad, I’ll just show up in my underwear.

And start cleaning.

Strange things I have done, seen, and want to do this week

DID: Washed my hair in the kitchen sink.

Okay, some background.

This is what my dining room looked like last night:

Stuff.

And this is what was going on in my living room:

More stuff.

Mr. M is currently Mr. Fix-it, which means we have no bathroom in our bathroom, and most things that will end up going in our new bathroom are sitting, or strewn about, where we normally eat dinner.

Phew.

And because I am incapable of operating at a normal level without washing my hair every day (because, dear readers, it is so very thin and so very fine, and because of how much I exercise , I cannot live without a daily shampooing) and because we had no tub – I washed my hair in the sink, where thirty minutes prior I had scrubbed two frying pans, a colander, two soup bowls and a spatula.

PHEW.

Needless to say, before I got down to business, the side of the sink that I used to wash my locks was scrubbed to an inch of its life.

(And because I’m lazy, I left the other side the way it was, with a dirty knife and spoon lying next to the scrub brush.)

URG.

CLASSY!

No joke I nearly broke my back and cricked my neck for all of Canada as I limbo-ed my way to clean hair.

Also, it is dang hard trying to get all the conditioner rinsed away, when your giant five foot ten body is unable to manoeuvre itself to allow for your stupid head to rest directly under the water stream.

For CANADA!

Also, it’s at times like this that I realize just how long my hair actually is (when I dye my hair from a box is also another great reminder of this.)

I might not have a lot of it, but it’s getting to the length where I start to feel like a mermaid when I get out of the shower.

Speaking of which, today I did something shower related I’ve never done before – for the first time I brought a change of clothes with me to the gym and showered as soon as I’ve finished working out.

I was a little nervous to check out the state of its facilities, what with how dodgy the place is overall.

But despite the exposed pipes, and broken fan, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.

It was very clean, with good water pressure, and honestly, quite a large stall.

I don’t know if I’m going to start pulling this stunt on a daily basis, but during the time that I’m living in a house without resources for bathing (kitchen sink not included) it’s a good reserve to fall back on.

The only fly in the ointment being that between my regular gym gear that I schlep with me to work, and the extra shower stuff I had to add to my kit, today I was (and tomorrow I will be) a bag lady and a half.

And a half!

Alas, t’is the price you pay for cleanliness.

SAW: These Air Canada Ads

Okay, a while back I wrote a post about the first generation of these Air Canada ads, focusing on (what I thought to be) a very white-washed advertising campaign.

No.

Here you are, marketing flights to large, Asian cities (each one, need I point out, very different from the other) and you have an all white cast, some of which are dressed in non-descript “Asian” dress, or holding chopsticks, or, what is that, practicing some kind of martial art?

No.

Jeeze Louise.

It’s painful just looking at them.

Seriously, has one person who worked on this campaign done any of the following?

  1. Gone to Hong Kong/Beijing/Seoul
  2. Looked at the majority of individuals flying back and forth between Vancouver and these cities, and then bothered to notice what they looked like.
  3. Gone out anywhere in the Lower Mainland and registered that its population is incredibly diverse, and not in fact racially homogenous.

It just boggles my mind (and also makes me laugh, because believe-you-me folks, I used to work at the airport and I’m very well versed will all of these Air Canada flights, and I know who is travelling on them, and it doesn’t matter if they are Canadian, Chinese, or Korean, but the average traveller does not look like this:

NO.

And I’m not saying that they cannot use white models in their campaign, but a little variety wouldn’t kill them either.

At the very least it wouldn’t make them look so casually racist, and overwhelmingly tone deaf.

Seriously.

WANT TO DO: Make out with Richard Hammond.

Because I am an ENFJ (extrovert, intuitive, feeling, and judging) on the Myers Briggs personality test, change to my regular routine is something I try to avoid at all costs. So as you can imagine, when I’m confronted by minor disturbances (such as having no working bathtub) my rabid need to control everything (and then not being able to do so) drives me a bit batty.

But just a bit.

In an attempt to help me calm down, I have been watching episodes of Top Gear on Netflix, drinking hot chocolate, and eating thousands of mini marshmallows.

I just started watching the show last week, and oh boy is it funny.

It hilarious and entertaining, and I enjoy Jeremy Clarkson’s acerbic wit, and it would be pretty fab to have the chance to play checkers against James May, sitting out on a lanai somewhere on Oahu’s North coast (in my imagination).

But mostly more than anything, I want to have a good old fashioned snog fest (in the parlance of his country) with Mr. Hammond (also in my imagination.)

Yes I did take this photo off of my tv. I have no shame.

He’s cute as hell, plus I get a kick out of the idea that in work shoes I’d be over half a foot taller than him. It would be just like every single high school dance I ever went to. Throw in some Mario Kart, late night McDonald’s runs, and a ton of laugh-fuelled bumbling and fumbling, and you pretty much have my grade eleven relationship down to a tee.

Plus – he’s from Brum, the city that owns a good chunk of my heart.

(And in terms of famous people who’ve come out of Birmingham, I’d definitely choose him over Frank Skinner and Ozzy Osborne.)

So there you have it folks.

DID. SAW. WANT TO DO.

And to finish off, if may ask, what are some weird things you’ve been up to this week? Seen anything barmy in the extreme? And who are you jonesing for a sweet, sweet lip-lock (if too, only in your imagination)?

Let me know, and I’ll think about it the next time I’m washing my hair (in or outside of my kitchen.)