Family Matters

I’m just a girl in the world

Of late, I’ve been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift.

Well, only one song really, but let’s not mince words. Blank Space is a bloody pop masterpiece of the highest order, and no one will ever be able to convince me otherwise.

Don’t even try it, ya jerks!

Because you all might as well resign yourself to the fact that, inevitably, we all must bow down to T. Swift, bubble gum goddess that she is.

So get your shin pads out.

The future is here.

I’m not sure about any of you, but I just listen to this stuff and immediately I am once again eighteen years old, filled to the brim with cusp-of-adulthood angst, heart-wrenching love, and mind-boggling lust.

The compulsion to jump in a car and just drive as far and as fast as I can is almost too difficult to control. So mostly I dance about the house in the most ridiculous and flamboyant of fashions, with Marc and Nymeria taking up the rear.

IMG_20141129_092728

They’re good partners in my insanity.

I’ll tell you, another thing that makes me feel like a confused, silly teenager is having the brilliant luck of finding my diary from grade 10, 11, 12, and my first year of undergrad.

IMG_20141130_092401

Holy hell was I one heck of a kid.

I spent about an hour yesterday reading excerpts aloud to Marc and just generally laughing my face off.

Marc too got a huge kick out of my daily captures of what it mean to be Vanessa Woznow, seventeen years of age.

Choice entries include:

June 2002

Holy shit Friday is just never going to come. I seriously am going to go completely insane (I am already halfway there, I can feel it!) Soon I will be sitting outside in a lawnchair and throwing spoons at all of the people who pass by, cursing them for their new fangled ways. EDADS. I talk like Mr. Lodge in the Archie comics. Call the medics I tell you!!! I miss Mark [ed. note: high school boyfriend], and I just want to get my damn vacation started with. [Redacted] gave me a ride to my socials exam. Made me feel bad about never phoning him. I really hate that. I got 90% on my math final, so I ended up with 88% in the course, which isn’t too bad. My socials final was so funny, some of the questions really killed me. I laughed really hard and was so tempted to put down that sexism was one of the causes of WWI. 

There were some questions on the test that I was just like WHAT THE FUCK!? How are we supposed to know THAT? I even asked Ms. [Redacted] whether or not she had taught that subject in the class and she just looked at me said “No.” before smiling and walking away. That killed me too. That’s classy as hell. I am really going to miss having [Redacted] as an English teacher. She’s really hilarious! I think I might buy her Chicken Soup for the Teacher soul. I think she might like it.

I’ve realized that sometimes my writing really reflects that of Holden’s in Catcher in the Rye. LOVE that book. Old Holden gets my goat, he is just damn hilarious.

JUST DECIDED. Going into writing when I graduate!!!

p.s. What to do for six month anniversary??

I also used the journal quite a bit as a scrapbook, for all of the ticket stubs and play bills of either the shows I went to, or acted in myself.

IMG_20141130_093531There is also a lot of BAD poetry.

IMG_20141130_092251(I can’t actually bring myself to publish a large photo of this gut-busting rubbish.)

However, I did kind of dig this little ode:

IMG_20141130_093140

I actually remember writing this ditty in my grade 12 math class. For a laugh, I used to always write poems for one of my best friends. Rosy was (and still is, to this day) one of the most beautiful, caring souls I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I always wanted to either make her laugh, or make her smile, and as such, was compelled to write her stuff like this.

A large portion of the book is dedicated to my falling in love with Marc, and the early days of our courtship:

IMG_20141130_092548 IMG_20141130_092455 IMG_20141130_092417I can tell you, I absolutely loved that sweater. I actually get the goofiest smile just thinking about it, and I swear that my heart is beating just the littlest bit faster.

Unfortunately, there is also a large (VERY large in fact) portion of the book dedicated to chronically my eating disorder. In no uncertain terms do I take any pains to disguise this reality. Many pages are just lists of what I ate, how much I exercised, and how much of what I ate ended up in the bottom of a toilet bowl.

Scintillating reading it may be not, but still, it serves as a salient reminder of what it meant to live with this illness, and how far removed my present-day life is from these very real, and very hard struggles.

IMG_20141130_093439My heart too beats a little faster seeing these pages, for of course, incredibly different reasons.

Still, it’s all one. This is the girl who I was.

If she hadn’t existed, I wouldn’t be the person (girl, woman, epic pop-loving running champion of life) that I am today.

And I wouldn’t trade this for the world.

And if I had to put a wager on it, I bet Taylor would feel exactly the same way.

14 thoughts on “I’m just a girl in the world

  1. Honestly, brilliant!

    On a somewhat serious note, call me crazy, but I wonder if it might be helpful for young women suffering from an eating disorder today to see how you have come out the other side? I wonder if your calling may not be some type of YA fiction — perhaps incorporating pieces of your “real” diary? There are reasons for everything — and I don’t think that the reason you stumbled across these journals is purely so that you could hark back to an old boyfriend’s sweater, lovely though it may have been :)

    Anyway, this idea just hit me as I was reading the post. Had to share my thoughts, cuz, ya know, that’s what I do :)

    I hope you had a great getaway weekend!

    1. Thank you a million! I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, and something that I’ve been thinking of more and more…

      I love YA and think it an incredibly important medium. You will have to be my earpiece/editor!!

      What would I do without you? <3 <3

  2. A couple of years ago I went through a lot of my old journals and ended up burning several of them because they hurt too much to read. I’m wowed by how you accept who you were so fully, eating disorder and all. I know how hard it is to do that. <3 <3

    Also you have/had great handwriting.

    Also the Blank Space video makes me want to bash a luxury car with a golf club in the best way possible.

    1. I think if maybe I had found them earlier I would have had a really hard time accepting them. It’s been a bit of a rough road getting to the point where I can be okay with my past, but hey, life is life!

      And thank you – I’ve always been hugely into penmanship. I only write cursive now, so I get a kick out of seeing my old printing.

      Also how fun would it be to ruin a car like that? They must have had a crazy budget!! :)

  3. Who is that masterpiece of a man, the beautiful being, creature, known to us mere mortals as a human male, in the video? He is stunningly handsome.

    I am not a Taylor Swift fan as she cannot carry a tune live. I do like a few of her songs, and I think her writing is fairly great.. I actually like this song, but I will never purchase her music. And why is she “talk-rapping” in this song? She’s awful at it. I witnessed her Grammy performance this year, and I do like the “Shake It Off” song, too.

    I’ve never seen any of her music videos until just now, and I now cannot rewind time to “unsee” it. I hope she is never, ever in another fllm. As witnessed in this video, she is horrifically bad “actress”. I use the term loosely in her case for she gives all thespians, A-listers and community theatre players alike, a bad name.

    As you can tell, I am not a Taylor Swift fan.

    I so want to read the rest of your post because I saw something about your re-discovery of one of your diaries. I’ve been writing since I was old enough to write, and once I found a poem I wrote about scrambled eggs. Thankfully, I was very little when I wrote it, but I’m sure it had some metaphorical, deep-seated meaning that only now could I begin to understand.

    1. This is what is so great about you (and why I always look forward to your comments) – you never, ever mince words. And it is spectacular! I like Taylor Swift recorded and for her epic pop dance tunes. She is a terrible actor for sure and luckily I’ve never heard her sing live, but I can’t like – I do like listening to her songs as I clean my house and write late at night.

      I would love to read your scrambled eggs poem! Hope you like the rest of the post. :)

  4. See, this is why I believe we would be bestest friends if we lived in the same place. I shudder to read my journals from middle and high school (even college, honestly), but I am inspired and will now go find them, blast TSwift, and embarrass myself soundly on all fronts.

    xo,
    L

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s