Do you make the first move?
I have only had three relationships in my relatively short time here on planet earth (the last one being my very happy – and enduring – marriage to my completely bonkers husband), and in all three instances I was the one to initiate the formal courtship proceedings.
Writer’s note: I did not in fact propose to my husband – he was the brave one to take that leap. However, had I not been the one to first declare my attraction, said proposal may never have happened.
To me, there is only so much angst that one can go through before reaching that crush crossroads: either declare your love for the person, or do everything in your power to get over your quivering loins (and moony eyes) as quickly as humanly possible.
While most would say the former is pretty much one of the hardest (and scariest) things out there, hot damn, I cannot even IMAGINE taking on the latter. Sure, there is the chance that you will be left with a relatively heavy heart, especially if your plans to profess your love fall short of a successful outcome, but COME ON.
Never knowing if the other person likes you back? Constantly destroying yourself by wondering, “What if?”
That, my friends, is Dante’s ACTUAL tenth circle of hell.
The first boy I ever asked out was a dude name Jacob*. He was a year older than me, and we did improv and theatre together, sat next to each other in chemistry and physics, and just generally had a great time.
He was really into skateboarding and making movies, and I was into pretending I was into skateboarding, but I did like to make movies, so our friendship was pretty stellar.
One day after school he was in the editing suite, piecing together the score for his latest project when I thought to myself, IT’S NOW OR NEVER.
I awkwardly stood in the doorway and mumbled through my much-practiced lines. Our dialogue was something along the lines of:
V: Ummm, do you want to go see a movie with me this weekend?
J: Ummm, sure.
V: Like, just the two of us?
V: Okay, great!
I leave. He then follows me out a few seconds later and qualifies:
J: Uh, were you just, like, asking me out on a date?
V: Um. Yes.
J: Oh. Okay. Yeah, so, I really like you as a friend, but I don’t think it’s the best thing if we go out.
V: Okay. Sure. No problem.
Okay, I would be lying if I said that this exchange didn’t leave me feeling REALLY bummed out, but truth be told, I would much, MUCH rather have endured that short (intense) grieving period then never knowing if he liked me or not.
And hey, in the end, our friendship survived, and I ended up dating his (much better looking) friend Ryan*.
About the better looking, not about dating him.
My solid-steel guts were also the catalyst of that relationship. After months of extreme back and forth ICQ flirting (holy crap ICQ!!!) I accosted him as we were exiting the gym after our high school’s annual holiday square dancing jamboree.
I basically just dropped all of my Christmas cards, gifts, exams, and papers on the floor before turning to him and blurting out:
“Soooooo, I don’t know if you like, but if you do well, that would be awesome, and if you don’t, well, that’s okay, because I really like you as a friend, and I don’t want to lose you as a friend, but if you like me more than a friend, well, I think we could have something great, and…yeah.”
To which he replied: “Oh. Yeah. Great. I’m totally in the same boat.”
I was so happy I practically started crying. Then we went ice skating and didn’t kiss for a week.
Ahhh, young love.
My next boyfriend I snagged by asking him to go for a late-night walk down at the beach, which was actually just a smoke screen for me to seduce him into kissing him under the moon AND GUYS SERIOUSLY IT WAS SO ROMANTIC.
Oh, and I also told him: “I like you.”
(In my head I was thinking – PLEASEPLEASELIKEMETOOANDKISSME)
And he did! (Like me AND kiss me!)
Finally, my last foray into making the first move was when I told my beautiful, brilliant husband that I liked him, by literally doing just that.
We were eating dinner (AS FRIENDS) and I wasn’t saying much. When he asked me what was wrong, instead of lying, I took a huge gulp of water, looked him square in the eye, and then said:
“I REALLY LIKE YOU.”
To which he replied, “Oh. Thank you!”
What a gentleman.
And then Ilikeyoutooblahblahblah…
SUCCESS TIMES THREE!
Now, I’m not going to lie and pretend that letting these guys know how I feel didn’t make me sweat like a glass blower’s arse. And sure, my track record is pretty good.
But I swear it – I felt a million times better just saying those words, rather than having them fester away inside of me like a rotten banana peel made out of feelings.
Because dudes, that is just the worst.
So I implore all of you – take your love and run with it! You never know what amazing relationship adventure (short or life-long) you may end up on.
And then when you do, please be sure to tell me all about it.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And nerdy.
25 thoughts on “You’ve got to put one foot in front of the other”
You’re a brave woman! I always let the guy take the lead overtly, but of course, I am masterminding the entirety of our futures together before he even knows my name. So it’s really me seducing him, he just doesn’t know it.
Haha, thanks!! Brave maybe…but also impatient! I love your covert, subconscious seduction technique. They’ll be powerless to your charms! x
Of course, we women always give them the “come hither” signals first … these aren’t always verbal … we choose them, it’s not the other way around, regardless of how it “appears.” But verbal is good too … men don’t always interpret our signals correctly, particularly if they lack confidence … I have learned by now, though, that if a man doesn’t take the ball and run with it early in the game, he may not have the gumption I want in a long-term partner. I like a man who goes after what he wants, and if he doesn’t want me enough to do what it takes to “win” me, I need to do more thinking about whether he’s really a good match for me. I don’t want a guy who just goes along with it if I make the overtures, and many of them will.
I get what your saying. I think maybe I just too impatient compared to most! I sometimes wonder what my come hither signals really look like…Am I actually looking good? Or just in pain?
LOL the only come-hither signals that come to mind are the touching of one’s own hair (women do it more when they like a man, apparently). How’s your flip?
yerrrrrr keyoot (butt-cha bettcha knowwit).
THEY (don’t ask. hoo. ‘they’. are) ARE GOING TO MAKE A MOVIE, OR THREE, ABOUT YOU SOMEDAY.
TOTALLY THE CUTEST. Haha!
Or three? Will I be like Batman? Re-booted every couple of years or so?
ah dunno. seemz yer dewwin a purdy good jawb uv ree-inventing yerself — with, successively, greater stature (or izzit like the sand people? they’ll be back … in grater numburz …?)
“didn’t make me sweat like a glass blower’s arse”
“ester away inside of me like a rotten banana peel made out of feelings”
Haha! Yay! I am so glad you enjoyed those. :)
True tales, man! I’m a recent convert to this path of relationship courage, and I’m convinced. Didn’t have much fun Chez Dante last time round:P Also: “sweat like a glass blower’s arse” is now going to make its way into my everyday vocab, as it’s fabulous.
“Chez Dante” LOL! That is the best. Do you want to open a restaurant with me and we can call it that? And all the food will be really, really spicy?
Isn’t that saying the best ever? OMG, our restaurant’s tag line can be: “Food to make you sweat like a glass blower’s arse!” Not the best imagery, but dang if it won’t stick with you!
Not gonna lie, this is pretty much the best idea. Ever.
I cannot imagine you behaving any other way! You are not a shrinking violet! And, like most things in life, you have to ask for what you want. Otherwise, someone else will get to it first! This also applies to the dinner table in large families, by the way.
SO TRUE about the dinner table. If you hesitate, you are done for! My fam back east is crazy big, and you must gird your loins before going into food battle with them!
What do you mean? ARE YOU SAYING I’M NOT DEMURE? Lol!
I’m sure you are the picture of demureness (demurity? No, I know it’s not demurity, but I kind of like it better!)… LOL!
My family are like a pack of vultures. Still. Eating with them is like a competitive sport.
Fine advice right there! Take the bull by the horns, take the plunge… because you never know what great thing may come out of it!!
Exactly! And the laughs…my goodness the laughs along are worth the butterflies! x
I love reading your posts! Had me laughing out loud!
I’ve put myself through the torture of wondering “what if” on so many occassions that after a good 6 months (or possibly a year) of questioning if my best friend (and current boyfriend) liked me back, I prepared myself for the worst and told him. And right as I was getting into the good part of my speech (yes, there was a speech – a lengthy, lengthy speech) he cut me off and told me he liked me too.
I stopped for a second and continued with the speech – partly to make sure he got all the “fine print” and partly because I didn’t believe what he had just said!
It’s been bliss – you totally have the right idea!
Thank you so much! I am so glad that you enjoy them – this comment put a big smile on my whacky face. :)
Also that is so awesome about you and your boyfriend!! Haha, I love, love that you continued with your speech! I can totally see you being all, “wait! I’ve practiced this so much, I must finish the whole thing!”
I am so, so happy to hear that it worked out well for you! Sometimes the scariest leaps bring forth the most grand of adventures! x
Hahahaha that’s exactly how it went :) glad your adventures worked out as well!! X
I usually was the one to initiate it in relationships. But this one girl handed me this note that laid out her feelings ending it with ‘I love you’. So I said ‘I love you too but….’ and then made up some lame story about how I wasn’t sure I was ready to be in a relationship blah blah blah
We’ll be married 8 years in Sept :)
Duuuude, this story totally warms my silly little heart! And not only that, you have one of the cutest little girls I have ever seen!
yeah, she will never let me forget that ‘but’. And thank you! She gets her looks from her mom haha
Good for you, nothing better than a straightforward woman! As someone who has been forced into taking the leap, and sucking at it nine times out of ten, I can tell its such a relief when the roles are ditched and people just come clean. And its pretty hot too! ;)