There are some things that just don’t work for me, no matter how hard I try.
I’ve written here before about how I worked (hard, mind you) for the last eight years to bring Radiohead into my life, but to no avail.
Seriously, as much as I love this video of Thom Yorke dancing to Single Ladies, I just cannot for the life of me accept the majesty (or whatever adjective you believe best sums up their brilliance or transcendence) of their music in my life.
We are like oil and water.
So without further ado, here are five things I just don’t get.
1.) Beer. Seriously. For the life of me, I cannot do it and do not understand how anyone could enjoy drinking it.
Like Radiohead, I made a valiant effort to make it a part of my life, particularly during the early years of my undergrad. It seemed like every post-class pub gathering-cum-night out inevitably meant a (seemingly) unlimited supply of amber coloured, frothy, frosty, pitchers of ale – I figured if I was going to survive in these social situations I better learn to enjoy it.
However it seemed as though the more effort I made, the more it did nothing for me, save give me brutal cases of the “urgh-I-can-taste-what-I-ate-for-dinner-last-night-burps” and then make me need to use the loo every twenty minutes or so, after I (begrudgingly) found my way to the bottom of my first glass.
Not cool man. This aversion to malt, barley, and hops (the much less successful Simon and Garfunkle follow-up to Scarborough Fair) made me feel like a giant square (and I got to relive this shame over again, and ten-fold worse at that, when Mr. M and I lived in Jolly Ole England. Bah.)
What I wouldn’t have done to just once have had comrade in arms to turn to me and say, “Hey – anyone want to order the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu and split it me?”
Why yes. Yes good sire, I do.
2.) Peep toe boots.
I don’t understand. I don’t understand how this makes any sense, to anyone, ever.
WHO BUYS THIS CRAP? And why? How do they think it looks good? WHY do they think it looks good?
How do they think it could ever possibly be practical?
This for me is like, that craziest, weirdest, most inane fashion trend ever.
It’s winter. It’s freezing. What the heck are you doing wearing shoes that have holes in them? I almost feel as though the fashion industry is trolling the entire female population of the world to see how far they can actually push the sanity envelope before the shoe (har har, no pun intended) drops, and people start to call shenanigans.
(Or at least, I hope this is the case.)
Plus it just looks FRICKEN bonkers.
Writing this out I feel as though Otto, from A Fish Called Wanda would agree with me:
What. The. Heck.
I don’t actually know if anyone truly understands this sport.
For colonial inspired athletics, I’ll stick to rugby.
4.) Soft cheeses.
Brie. Camembert. Blue. Roquefort. No. No. No. NO.
For many years cheese (of any kind) played zero part in my life. I didn’t eat it on anything (including pizza – for real, I would order pizza sans cheese because I disliked it so much.)
Slowly but surely I came to see the error of my ways (falling in love with a Swiss mister certainly had something to do with my transformation) but to this day I cannot do any soft, rindy cheeses.
They seriously slay me.
They make me feel as though I am eating feet flavoured snot.
And no amount of shaming (I know what you’re thinking! Stop looking at me!) will change that.
5.) The English Royal Family. I do not for the life of me understand the fascination with royalty, particularly the obsession of those who live outside of the United Kingdom.
Sure, I get why those inside the UK may like them – it’s a way to cling to an antiquated representation of the power their country once had on an the international stage.
Okay, I know that sounds super harsh, and I’m sorry. (But, it’s true.)
But for people who live either in the commonwealth, or (even more baffling) those who don’t (particular in countries that were exploited, subjugated, and brutalized by the Brits) to actively support an institution that symbolizes imperialism, hierarchy, racism, classism, and well, general intolerance – the mind boggles.
If I need to take the queen – I’ll take her as a member of Kids in the Hall:
6.) Gene Wolfe. Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure no one else gets him either though.
So folks, I’ll pass the question on to you: What can you not get, no matter how hard you try? Please share (but I’ll take wine if you’re buying.)